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2020.10.31 19:22 JamesHisGuitar My Best Friend Turned Out To Be A Nightmare

Every person I talk to, to help me, told me to write this down. Write down my story so they could read it in the way it went for me. The way I experienced it. So they could understand it more and help me get better, and even others. So here I am, writing it down. I better start right away.
Most people don't know how it feels to be lonely; having no friends, always being alone, sitting alone at lunch. I just described myself until 5 months ago. I was always different, most of the people at my school were bad at English. Because my dad moved to the Netherlands I needed to go to a Dutch school. I hated it, learning a new language. It was hard for me because I lived the whole 16 years I was alive in America. I had nothing with the country, it's so boring. I was the 'weird' girl. I spoke a different language, I didn't act like anyone in the school. I mostly wear black and listen to bands like 'Green Day,' 'all-time low,' 'Fall out boy,' and 'blink-182'. Most of the people at that school listen to bad Dutch rap music with way too much autotune. People called me emo, but I am nothing like an emo. Of course, there were some people from other countries, but no one from a place with English as the first language. Most of them are from Turkey or Morocco, some others from Poland, Russia or some other countries in Europe. Every time I tried to talk to someone, or they were trying to talk to me, they would go away after 5 minutes or less because I talk more English than Dutch. So you'll understand that I was desperate to make a new friend.
A new girl came to school, she was from Australia. Her name was Lucy. In the 1st week of school she was with a random girl, but after that week she sat alone, just like me. Because I knew she spoke English, I walked up to her one day. I didn't know it, but that was the worst mistake I've ever made in the 17 years I have lived. I do remember our 1st conversation. "Hey," I said to her. She looked at me a little surprised, "Oh, hey!" Her voice was so innocent and sweet. "What is your name?" I asked her, just a basic question when you meet someone. So she said her name, and I said mine: Lilith. She told me she liked my name and we had a connection instantly. We didn't have any classes together, but we did hang out a lot and were together every single break. Soon I found out she was into the paranormal. I didn't know a lot about it at that time so I asked her some questions about it and got interested too. One day she asked me: "Hey, I found out there is an abandoned house in the town next to ours. Do you wanna go with me and explore it?" Crazy me didn't see any danger, what could go wrong? So I said yes and we planned a date to go. September 3th, a Saturday. We wanted to go there at night time so I told my mom and dad I had a sleepover at Lucy's. When the day came I arrived at her house at 4 PM. It wasn't a big house, but it also wasn't a small house. There was a cute little garden in front of a tree and a handmade swing. I walked to the pitch black door and rang it. I waited a few seconds and she opened the door. We greeted each other in the way we always did. We did our handshake and ended it with a hug. She let me in. The hallway was small, there was a stairway, a small restroom and a door to the living room. We walked upstairs to her room. Her room wasn't big at all. There was a king sized bed, closet, and desk in it. We packed one bag each. I had the food and drinks and she had the stuff for ghosts. When I say ‘stuff for ghosts’, I mean a ghost box, Ouija board, holy water, and other things like that. I don't remember everything we had, but we came prepared. We made our self some sandwiches to bring to the house we were going to. There was a family murder in the house. A man killed his wife and his 2 kids. They found the man in the lake next to the house and a knife in his pocket. He killed himself. It was a big house. It was abandoned because every time they tried to sell the house a creepy old man came and scared the shit out of the people who wanted to buy the house. The last thing sounds weird, I know, but it is on the internet. Not that you can trust the internet… After some research we walked downstairs, we walked through the living room to the kitchen. We make our self some food, just a simple sandwich. After our meal, it was 7 PM. We wanted to leave at 12 AM, so we went upstairs to take a nap so we weren't that sleepy once we left. We woke up at 11:30 PM and I changed clothes. I brought some sweatpants and a hoodie with me, so I was going to wear that. I fixed my hair a little and fixed my makeup, not that anyone would see it. We did a recheck on the stuff and drank some water. We left around 12 AM.
On our way to the house, what was 3 miles with our bikes, I felt kinda uneasy. Almost like I knew something was gonna happen. I didn't mention it to Lucy because I didn't want her to freak out or anything "So," Lucy said after we cycled a mile without saying anything to each other. "Are you scared?" I laughed, "Of course not. What can go wrong?" Once we arrived there I felt even more uneasy. Almost like my inner instinct told me to go, run away, before something would go wrong. Of course, I ignored it. What if Lucy thought I was weak and didn't dare to go inside? Just ditching her wasn't good, I knew that. The house wasn't that big, well it was big for a house in the Netherlands. It had 2 floors and a basement. The house was definitely old, it looked dirty. The front door wasn't there anymore, it was laying in front of it. Like someone kicked the door to get out. To make it even worse, I saw scratch marks on it. When I looked up from the door and Lucy was standing inside with a flashlight in her hand. "Hey chicken, are you coming inside or not?" She said. I walked inside, "Why would I go to a house without going inside?" The answer to that question is: because some fucked up shit is about to happen to you. Of course, I didn't know it back then. I keep saying that too much, right? I need to stop using it. Anyway, we were standing in the hallway. There was a family portrait hanging on the wall. It looked like a happy family, a mom, a dad and 2 kids: a girl and a little baby. There was a dusty desk with some candles. In the corner was a stairway and there was a door, which leads to the restroom, and a door to the living room. We walked around in the complete house. When you walked out of the living room you were in the kitchen. Upstairs there was a bathroom, 3 bedrooms and a creepy room I didn't know what the use was for it. The furniture was there still. Everything was dirty and in bad condition. The smell in the house was terrible.
We were standing in the living room and Lucy came up with the idea of using the Ouija Board. I was always curious about it, so I agreed with it and she opened her bag to take out the board. We lit up some candles and placed the board on the ground. We sat down and put our hand lightly on the planchette. "Are you gonna asks the questions?" I asked Lucy. "Sure. I know most of the rules anyway." "Great, but don't mess with the board!" "Don't worry, I won't." We started by asking if a spirit was there. In what felt like the first 20 minutes, nothing happened. "If there is any spirit who wants to communicate with us: move the planchette to 'yes'," Lucy asked, knowing nothing would happen. To our big surprise, the planchette moved to 'yes.' "Are you kidding me?" I ask. "I didn't move it, I swear," Lucy said. "I didn't either." I was kinda terrified. I thought she moved it, well I hoped that she did. We started to ask the spirit some questions. We asked if it was evil, it said yes. We asked it was going to hurt is, it said no. We asked the age, it said 0. It was pretty basic questions so far. I kinda felt safe while playing the game, but not for long. It started to get colder and I felt like more people in the room. Which was weird seeing as Lucy and I were the only ones there. I looked at Lucy and her eyes were focused on the board. "How many people are in this room with you?" She asked. It moved to 3. "Are they also evil ghosts?" It moved to 'yes'. "Are they going to cause harm?" It went to 'no'. Let's fast forward a bit to when things start to get worse. We simply asked some questions and discovered that we were talking to that family. The dad was moving it around most of the time. A door slammed close to us. I jumped but stayed calm.
"We should end the game," I said, knowing it was heading the wrong way. Lucy nodded and we ended the game. It was just then when I felt the temperature changed. It was so cold. We ignored it and put the board away and we heard footsteps coming from the hallway. I started shitting my pants. "I'll check it out," Lucy said, as brave as she was. She got up and walked towards the footsteps. I stayed where I was, sitting on the floor. Too scared to move or look around. After a few minutes, she still wasn't back. I got up, mainly because my ass started to hurt because of the hard floor. "Lucy?" I asked, low key scared. No answer. "Lucy? Hello?" Yet again: no answer. "Lucy I swear to god-" I stopped because I heard a scream. It was her, she was screaming. I ran to the room that I heard the scream from. I opened the door and found her laying on the ground. She was passed out. "Lucy!" I yelled and I checked her wrist for a heartbeat. Thank god she was alive. I tried to wake her up but it didn't work. Okay, Lilith, I thought to myself, you need to get out now. I lifted up Lucy and walked downstairs. Somehow Lucy went upstairs. I picked up one bag, the one with the ghost stuff, and got out of the house. "Okay, Lucy, you better wake up now," I said even though I knew it wouldn't work. I heard more noises coming out of the house. I got on my bike and somehow I managed to get to her house with her and a bag on my bike. Her parents were asleep so I got to her room. I laid her down in bed and sat down in a chair. I didn't know what to do. My best friend was passed out and I didn't know why. I didn't know how to get her to wake up. I didn't know anything. I was freaking out. But somehow I managed to fall asleep in that chair because I woke up in it. I don't remember falling asleep, but that is just something that happens. The 1st thing I did was look at the bed. Lucy was gone. I checked my phone and saw that it was 5 am. I frowned and got up. I noticed I was a little light-headed because I got up to quickly and closed my eyes. After a while, I felt okay and went to check out where Lucy was. I can tell you that nothing was ever the same to me after that night. Looking for her, and even being in the same house as her, it felt like it was a mistake. Let me explain what happened. "Lucy?" I whispered loudly while walking down the stairs. There was no reply. "Lucy, where are you?" Again: no answer. I got downstairs and heard noises from the kitchen. I took a deep breath and walked into the living room. Since there wasn't a wall between the kitchen and living room I could see her. The light was on and I froze the second I saw her.
Her eyes... They were pitch black. "Lucy?" I said in confusion. She froze and looked at me. Her eyes were normal again, "Oh, hey Lilith." Her voice sounded weird. Almost like her Australian accent faded away a little. If you know what I mean? "What are you doing here? It’s 5 am," I asked. "I was thirsty," she walked towards me. "We should go upstairs now. We don't wanna wake up my parents, do we?" That wasn't a thing she would normally say. I got freaked out by it but stayed calm, "no we don't."
We got upstairs again and she got in her bed. I laid down on the ground. I didn't want to be close to her after what just happened. I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. After hours of lying awake, I heard her parents wake up. Thank god they were awake. I looked over at Lucy and saw her just standing on the bed looking towards the ceiling. My heart dropped. She was just staring at the ceiling even though nothing was there. She started to laugh and giggle like babies do when they get attention from their parents. I just looked at her, frozen because of what was happening. After about a minute she kneeled down on the bed. She was mumbling something I didn't understand. It wasn't Dutch or English. I still don't know what she was saying to this day. After a few seconds, she just fell back and was asleep. I slowly got up, still terrified of what just happened, and walked towards the door. When I put my hand on the door handle I heard her gasp for air and waking up. I almost pissed myself and turned on the light switch that was next to me. I looked at her. She looked at me, confused. "W-what happened?" She asked me. "I have no idea," I said, her parents now walking into the room. "What happened?" Her dad asked while walking in. "No idea," I said. I looked at my phone. It was 10 am. "I should go home," I said. "My parents wanted me to be back early." "Okay," her mom said. I packed my stuff and just got out of the house as soon as I could. I didn't want to be around Lucy or even be in the same house as her anymore. I was so scared. I got home really quickly and went to my room right away. I locked the door and turned on my music. My parents must have been wondering what was going on because within seconds, there was a knock on my door. I opened the door and saw my dad. "What's wrong sweetie?" He asked. "Nothing," I said acting all chill. "I'm... Just tired." He nodded and walked out again. I sat down on my bed, trying to figure out an explanation for everything that just went down. She could have been joking, but she is bad at acting. It looked so real... Almost like she was possessed. I got the chills. What if she really was possessed? I mean... I didn't know what the hell went down upstairs in that goddamn house.
My phone rang, I looked to see who was calling me. It was Lucy. I didn't know if I should pick up or not. It felt like my body was forcing me to pick up, so I did. I put my phone to my ear. "Hello?" I asked quietly. There was breathing on the other side of the line. It creeped me out. "Lucy I swear to god stop doing that," I said. The breathing got heavier. "Lucy stop it. It's not funny. I hate this." "I'm not Lucy," the voice whispered. "How'd you get Lucy's phone? If you hurt her I swear to god-" They hung up. They fucking hung up on me. I needed to know if Lucy was okay, but I was too scared. I was too scared to go to her house and check in on her. I walked downstairs to my parents, who were in the living room. "Lilith, what's wrong? You are so pale," my mom said in worry. "Someone’s got Lucy's phone..." I took a deep breath, "... I need to know if she is okay." "Do you want us to go to her house?" My dad asked. I nodded, "Please."
And so they did. Waiting for them to come back was the longest 20 minutes of my entire life. I was sitting in my room, checking my phone every 5 seconds to see if Lucy was okay, or even if my parents were okay. When they finally came back I ran downstairs. "Nothing is wrong with her," my mom said. "What? And her phone?" I was confused. It wasn't Lucy speaking on the phone. "She has her phone too," my dad said. I freaked out again. "You're probably just sleepy. Get some rest" my dad said. I nodded and went upstairs. I laid down on my bed and tried to get some rest. When I woke up I checked my phone. 20 messages from Lucy? I opened them up and got scared again. They were all in English, luckily.
Lucy: Lilith Lucy: Sweet sleeping Lilith Lucy: I see you, sleeping beauty Lucy: Peter wants to say hi Lucy: Peter is standing next to you Lucy: Peter is feeling ignored Lucy: Never ignore Peter Lucy: Scratch, scratch, down your neck Lucy: Scratch, scratch down your chest Lucy: Scratch, scratch marks on you Lucy: Peter is saying bye to you Lucy: He is gone now Lucy: He said I needed to tell you he said hi Lucy: He hopes he can see you soon again Lucy: Sweet little Lilith Lucy: Sleepy sleepy Lilith Lucy: 4... Lucy: 3... Lucy: 2... Lucy: 1...
It didn't make sense at all. I got out of my bed and got changed. When I got changed I noticed 3 scratches from my neck to my belly button. I gasped. I softly went over them. How did this happen? I quickly put on a shirt because I was too scared. I wasn't having it anymore. This was the last thing. I needed to cut Lucy out of my life. She was not good anymore. She texted me about someone scratching me and now I have scratches on my body. No, no, no. I don't want this. We should have NEVER gone to that house, and now I’ve finally found that out. I wanted nothing to do anything with her anymore. I blocked her on everything and deleted her number. She was out of my life for a few days. But then school came. I already skipped Monday and now it was Thursday. I biked to school like I always would, but now I was alone. When I got to school I walked to my locker. I unlocked it with the key and grabbed my books. "Why are you ignoring me?" Someone asked. A voice I didn't want to hear ever again. Lucy's voice. "I'm not ignoring you," I said while closing the locker. "You blocked me on everything. What's wrong? Weren't we best friends?" "You scare the hell out of me, okay. Leave me alone." She gave me a confused look, "what do you mean?" "The calls, the messages, what happened in the house and when we got to your place. It's all too much for me. I can't do this." "I have no idea what you're talking about, Lilith." I signed and just walked away. I checked what classroom I need to be at and then walk towards it. The door was locked so I leaned against the wall waiting for the teacher to come to open the classroom. I couldn't be happier about the fact that she wasn't in my class. That day, Lucy kept trying to talk to me but I ignored her and walked away every time she tried. I felt bad for her. But she was the one who scared me. After a while Lucy kind of understood I didn't want anything to do with her anymore and she left me alone. But a break was coming up... I thought I could go on the break without her and she would leave me alone forever but I was wrong.
A few weeks before the break began, my parents came to me and said that mine and Lucy's family are going on a vacation together. We were going to Spain. I normally would be so happy but I really didn't want to go. The vacation would be for 2 weeks and, of course, our families would be spending a lot of time together. So there was no way out of this. My parents didn't know I had stopped talking to Lucy. Her parents are close to mine and I didn't want to hurt them. They loved the friendship our families had together and it would break their heart if they found out I stopped talking to Lucy without a reason at all.
So, the day came and we drove towards the airport to fly to Spain. I wasn't excited at all. I tried to fake it to make my parents happy but I just didn't want to deal with Lucy. And there was a big chance that I would be staying in a room with her. I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to share a room with her. But when we got to the hotel we found out they booked 3 rooms. One for her parents. One for my parents. And one for the two of us. I knew that asking if we could stay in different rooms wouldn't be an option. And switching with a parent wasn't an option either. So I just stayed quiet and got to the room. I dropped off my suitcase and Lucy already claimed a bed. She laid down on it and stared at the ceiling. She had a frown on her face which meant that she was in her own thoughts. She always frowned when she thought about things. I ignored her and got my bikini. I walked into the bathroom and got changed. When I walked out, Lucy was standing facing the door. I almost bumped into her and held in a scream. "Lucy! Don't do that!" I said angrily. "Why are you ignoring me?" She asked. Her eyes looked emotionless. "I don't want to be your friend anymore." "Why?" "Because you're scaring me." "How? You never explained why to me." "For example: standing in front of the door when I walked out. And the way you acted after you woke up when you fainted." "How did I scare you? And you never told me I fainted?" "Don't you think it's scary to wait for someone to walk out? And I thought you would know you fainted. Don't you remember anything from that night?" She slowly shakes her head. "Not even going there?" I ask with a frown. "Well... I remember being in front of the house. But after that... It's a blur." "Oh..." I thought for a second. "I mean I can tell you what I know...?" "Please." And so I told her what I knew, what happened. She turned pale after I was done. "I don't remember anything," she says in a terrified whisper. "I mean... It's creepy." "I'm so sorry." I sighed, "It's fine, I guess." "I-I got to go," after that Lucy disappeared. I just left for the beach and sunbathed. When I came back Lucy wasn't there and no one knew where she went. Yet her parents weren't worried about her, because she had done this lots of times before. Well in the past month at least. The next morning came and there was still no sign of Lucy. Everyone started to get worried. Of course, they asked me if I knew why she left and I told them I didn't know anything. Her parents went to look for her and asked around if people had seen her but had no success. When they came back her mom was in tears. She just wanted Lucy to come back.
At around 11 am Lucy randomly was in the room. Everyone was out looking for her and I was surprised to find her. "Lucy, are you okay?" I asked. She was sitting on the bed with her hands on her lap with perfect posture. She was staring at the wall. I couldn't see her face. She ignored me so I asked her again. She turned her head and gave me one of the creepiest smiles I've ever seen in my life. "I'm totally fine," she said. It was the same voice that she spoke in the night I found her at 5 am in the kitchen. Chills filled my arms and I was terrified. I turned around to leave the room when I felt a hand grab my arm. I turned around and saw Lucy. She tightened the grip on my arm which hurt me. So I said that she needed to let go of me and that she was hurting me. Her smile on her face turned into a grin and she hurt me even more. I started to scream in pain. My parent ran into the room and Lucy quickly let go of my arm. It was bright red. "You're mental!" I yelled at her. "Do you understand it now?! You're insane. Stop this! It's not fucking funny!" My parents gave Lucy and me a confused look. My dad took my arm and frowned. "Since when is Lucy back?" My mom asked. "She was here when I entered the room," I told her. "Did she do this?" My dad asked. I nodded slowly. I glared over at Lucy. She looked all innocent. "Why didn't you tell us that Lucy was back?" My mom asked. "I was about to tell you. But then Lucy grabbed my arm and started hurting me." "Well, I'm going to her parents." My mom left the room. When Lucy's parents came in we explained the whole situation and I ended up staying one night in my parents' room with them while Lucy stayed alone.
The next day we went to the beach. That day changed my life. What I have written out and told you was what I believed happened. What happened at the beach is still weird to me. Even though I know what actually happened now. It's weird to think about. That day, a boy walked over to me. I never knew his name. He never told me. When he walked over to me he asked if I was Lilith. I told him I was and asked him how he knew my name. He said it didn't matter and started to tell me something about myself I didn't know. I still remember every word.
"I know this sounds weird, but you got I believe me. You're in a coma. You aren't in the real world. This is all on your head. You've been in a coma for 3 years now and the doctors are going to let you die in 3 days if you don't wake up. You need to kill Lucy. She needs to die in order for you to wake up. So please, do it. Listen to me." Of course, I was confused so I told him, "You're not funny telling me this. You're weird. Who are you? Why do you know my friends? Leave me alone." He grabbed me by my shoulders and shook them. He looked me into my eyes, "Please believe me. You can't die. I can answer all of your questions. You can ask me everything. If it makes you believe me." I crossed my arms, "Oh... well... I have too many questions... why am I in a coma?" "You and your parents went on a vacation to the Netherlands. It was the last day and you crossed the street without looking and a tram hit you. You were hurt badly. The damage was so bad that you went into a coma." I frowned. It strangely made sense.
"But... why do I have to kill Lucy? And how do you know this?" I looked him into his eyes. "Lucy is the part of you that wants you to die. And I know everything because I'm the part who wants you to live. And I know everything." Everything about how he talked and acted was so truthful. He couldn't be lying. "She wants me to die? Then why was she nice to me? And didn’t kill me already? You aren't making much sense with that." He sighed softly, "Well she was nice to you to get your trust. She wanted you to trust her so she could get close to you. After gaining your trust, she leads you to the house to play the board. That whole scene was fake. It just made you realize she was bad. Now you can see her true colors. But you don't want to believe it, so her personalities are changing moods. Your mind didn't realize it earlier. Making sense now?" I nodded slowly and confused, "Sadly, it does make sense" My head started to hurt because of this whole mindfuck. "This is all so weird. So I'm dying in 3 days if I don't kill my own best friend? And what about my parents? What are they? Or her parents? Does everyone have a role?" "Everyone does in their own small way. Your parents are the part that doesn't know you're in a coma. Her parents are the part that kind of know but are too confused to actually do something. And all those people at school are all the people you ever saw in real life. The people who used to talk to you are people you used to be friends with. And the only way you really can wake up is by killing her. You don't want to die, do you?"
I shook my head, "Of course, I don’t want to die. But is the location something important too? Or what?" "You remember moving from America? It is your mind not realizing you went on a vacation to the Netherlands and thinking you live here now. You going to their high school? You should have gone to school the week after you came back and you were stressed out over it. You going to Spain? The next break you and your parents planned was a trip to Spain." "So I really have to kill Lucy. How? I can't kill anyone ever in my life." I gave him a desperate look. "You need to kill her. Only you can kill her. I can help you through it but I can't do it." I sighed, "Okay. Well... when do I have to do it?" "We can do it anytime. Even now." My eyes got big, "Now?! Are we crazy! We're in public!" "We're in your mind. This isn't real, remember. You're not actually killing someone." I nodded slowly and took a deep breath, "Okay. Let's do it." He smiled weakly. "Okay. Let's drown her. It's the easiest way." "I am not drowning her. I can't do that." "Okay. Wait here then. I'll get a knife." After those words, he walked away. I just stayed where I was and sat down in the sand. I rested my head on my hands and thought about everything that was going on. It's too much. Way too much. I was about to kill my own best friend. After a few minutes, the boy came back with a knife. No one even looked at him as he passed people holding a big kitchen knife. He stopped in front of me and held out the knife for me. I took it and looked at the murder object in my hands. This really was about to happen... I slowly got up and looked at the boy but he wasn't looking at me. I looked in the direction he was looking at and he was looking at Lucy. She was laying in the sand with her eyes closed.
I felt an arm on my shoulder and a second later the boy said close to my ear, "You better do it now. I'll come with you. I promise everything will be better after this." I turned my head to look at him, "What if I don't wake up?" "That's impossible." I nodded. "Wait. I never asked you this... How do I know you?" He smiled, "That will be clear soon. Now kill Her." He gave me a push into her direction so I decided to just walk towards her. My eyes were only focused on Lucy. I was next to her now, I looked at the boy and he gave me a nod. I knelt beside her with the knife in one of my hands. I was shaking. "I'm so sorry for this Lucy," I said with a shaky voice. "I don't want to do this but I have to." I raised the knife and pointed it down her chest. At that moment her eyes struck open. I quickly closed my eyes and stabbed her in her chest. I felt it go through her. When I opened my eyes I almost fainted from what I saw. "Remove the knife. That way she will die quicker," the boy told me. I removed the knife and blood went everywhere. I started to get more light headed every second and in the end, everything went black and I passed out.
I woke up in the hospital. The light was really bright and I heard a heartbeat, my heartbeat. It took a few blinks to get used to the light but soon enough I could keep my eyes open. I looked around and I was alone. My throat was burning and I was shaking. I heard my heartbeat rise. Did it work? Am I awake? People ran into my room. It was a doctor. He went to check on me and then walked away saying he was getting a nurse and my parents. My parents literally ran into the room. When they saw me they started to cry. "Thank God you are awake. We almost had to let you go," my mom said. She sat down next to me and took my hand. "Lucy," was all that could leave my mouth. My voice was soft and broken. My dad gave me some water and my mom was frozen. "Did you just say 'Lucy'?" She asked after a while. I nodded, "Yes. Is she okay?" "She died when you were 7. She used to be your best friend. She died from cancer..." I frowned. I didn't know this... "What about the boy? There was a boy." "What boy? Lilith, what are you talking about?" My dad asked. At that point, a nurse walked into the room. "There was a boy. He told me how to wake up," I say. "What did he look like?" "I don't remember..." My dad looked at my mom, "The only boy I can think of is... you know... him. Our miscarriage." My mom started to tear up, "You met our little boy?" "I- I don't know," I say. "Why did you guys never told me this?" "Because it was too hard for us," my dad said. The nurse came into the conversation to check on me more and ask me some boring questions.
So my parents' miscarriage apparently got into my mind and the same as my old best friend who died. One was my worst enemy and one was my savior. After telling all of this I'm sure people don't want to believe me. But I swear to God, it's true. It’s all true.
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2020.10.31 09:34 man_overseas Loving to Read is a Superpower with Alex and Books

Loving to Read is a Superpower with Alex and Books

Loving to Read is a Superpower with Alex and Books
My guest is Alex Wieckowski. He’s the man behind the Alex & Books Instagram & website, where he shares book recommendations, summaries, and tips from reading 130+ books.
Alex is also the host of The Reader’s Journey podcast. As host of the show, he interviews amazing authors, discusses brilliant books, and learns valuable lessons along the way. He says his end goal in life is to make a full-time living just reading and writing books.
In this episode, we discuss how reading is a superpower. Alex says there’s more access to knowledge than ever before on the Internet. And if you can make reading fun and enjoyable for yourself, you become unstoppable. He adds that you cant compete with someone who finds reading fun, since they’re just going to keep on growing and getting better at their craft.
We also talk about how Alex started loving to read. He says he had already enjoyed reading different novel series’ as a kid, but he stopped when he was forced to read classic books in middle school—he didn’t find them enjoyable to read. It wasn’t until later in college when he discovered self-help books that ultimately revitalized his passion for reading.
This is a great discussion with a sharp and insightful guest! Please enjoy!
Other topics discussed:
  • Donald Trump’s winning chance in New York
  • Alex’s decision to stay in New York City even though all his work is done online
  • How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie
  • A person’s name being the sweetest sound in the English language
  • Knowledge is not power, but potential power
  • The power of re-reading books
  • Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill
  • The art of exceptional living
  • How it’s okay to skip books that aren’t relevant to you
  • School teaches people how to read, but not how to be readers
  • Book recommendations for improving personality
  • Develop yourself to attract better people into your life
  • How reading what you love will inspire you to read more
  • The power of compound interest
  • Difference of Twitter and Instagram in terms of followers
  • Reading books aloud to practice speech
  • Alex dating girls that aren’t readers
  • Instagram Reels
  • Evernote, Obsidian, Notion, Roam
  • Getting involved with a book through active reading
  • Why Alex can’t stop reading fresh new books for the next six years
  • The Lindy Effect
  • The Reader’s Journey by Alex Wieckowski
  • How to Read a Book by Mortimer J. Adler
  • Physical books vs reading on Kindle
  • Book recommendations for personal finance
  • The Psychology of Money by Morgan Housel
  • Phone addiction
  • Podcast preparations
  • Alex selling his Xbox to see Jordan Peterson
  • More books people read means higher income
  • Social media and the growing divide between the productive and unproductive
  • Saving & investing money vs spending money to grow your business
  • Focusing on yourself by building more value
Questions asked:
  • Did you watch the presidential debate last night?
  • Do you think Trump has any chance of winning the state of New York?
  • Do you invest in real estate?
  • Why stay in New York City, given that all your work is online?
  • Do you agree with the quote “The genuine love for reading itself, when cultivated, is a superpower?”
  • When did you start loving to read?
  • How did you get your start in self-help books?
  • Is knowledge power?
  • Do you think it’s better to read half as many books twice?
  • Any book recommendations for improving personality?
  • Would you agree that New York City is the best place in the world to be single?
  • How much do you think Twitter and Instagram has cut into your reading time?
  • Could you date somebody who isn’t a reader?
  • Do you read aloud occasionally?
  • What is the Instagram feature that you’ve used the most lately?
  • Are you a fan of note taking apps?
  • Can you tell me more about active reading?
  • Why is it so important to read old books?
  • When does your book [The Reader’s Journey] come out?
  • Have you had trouble niching down?
  • What was your biggest takeaway from How to Read a Book?
  • Which do you prefer to read – physical book or on Kindle?
  • What was your biggest takeaway from The Psychology of Money?
  • Have you had anyone that’s wanted to be paid to come on your show?
  • Do you have a goal to be wealthy someday so you can spend all your time reading and learning?
  • Do you save and invest some of your money?
  • Is Bitcoin more likely to go to $100,000 than it is to zero?
  • [Question to Brad] When you’re young, how do you balance saving & investing your money versus investing/spending it to grow your business?
  • [Question to Brad] From your perspective, is there something that you wish you did earlier in your 20s or anything you could see I could optimize or improve on?
Fun questions:
  • Social media – net negative or net positive for society?
  • Do you think not wanting something is as good as having it?
  • If you could go to the moon for $25,000, but you must go alone and be gone for four months, would you go on that trip?
  • If somebody gave you $100,000 and forced you to invest it in 3 companies: Apple, Amazon, and Tesla — how would you allocate the money?
  • If you had agreed to go to the moon and you could bring three books with you, which three would they be?
  • If somebody dropped $1 million in your lap tomorrow, what would you do with it?
  • Overrated/Underrated: Maria Bartiromo, Taylor Swift, Malcolm Gladwell, Ryan Holiday, Anthony de Mello, Arthur Schopenhauer, Michael Lewis, Joe Rogan, Will Durant
Connect with Alex:
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2020.10.31 08:09 throwawaycsa22949940 i am being crushed by guilt, shame, disgust

TW: csa, suicidal ideation

Throwaway for obvious reasons. When I was a young child (<8) I was exposed to pornography and sexually groomed by an older family member. For the next several years I was obsessed with porn. My parents weren't internet savvy and never found out about what I was doing on our family computer because I knew how to clear the history. I would watch porn every day. I sexually assaulted a younger cousin of mine on one occasion and came very close to committing another act of sexual deviancy that thankfully never happened but which causes me to have panic attacks every single time I think about what I almost did.
I knew that what I was doing was bad and I felt massive guilt and regret and self-hatred so I stopped watching porn and I basically permanently disabled my own sexuality. I barely dated as an adolescent or as an adult and I have never had sex. The thought of having sex makes me want to set myself on fire. I cannot unmerge the thought of having a sexual relationship with another adult with the memories of the things that happened to me and the things I did as a child. I have never told anyone about any of this. I feel like I am lying to my partner because they don't know this part of my past and if I ever told them they would certainly not be able to deal with it and leave me. I don't know how I managed to wander into a relationship with somebody who is content with maintaining a sexless relationship. I hate myself so much. I cannot stop thinking about the things that happened. I am afraid to drink too much in case I get drunk and it all comes spilling out of me. I am afraid of talking about it in my sleep in the presence of another person. I wish I had never been born. I can't get over this, it consumes me.
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2020.10.31 07:11 v-sandman I saw an unreal girl across the street through traffic, felt something i never felt before.

I (21M) am fairly new to this nofap practice i am on my day 16. I have been busy doing some college stuff and never realised that i have come 15 days long streak after like 10 years. (Feels like 10 must have been 8) I used to see women as objects and gold diggers who only date rich guys - and provide them pleasure for money, social status etc. Today morning while i was out on some urgent work i saw a girl across the street and the first time in my life i didn't objectify her and felt a weird connection. We locked eyes for a split second and she smiled. I dont know what i am feeling or felt at the moment. I feel different my dangle doesn't get hard as often as before now. I dont want to do it with every other hot picture of a woman i see on the internet. My energy (mental) is definitely on something else level than before.
I quit all social media, tv etc. Only watching YouTube for trivial things.
I have always been single. But the amazing vibe i felt in my gut in that split second this morning when i locked eyes with that girl it was something different. Not sexual at all.
What can i do to go 356 days with nofap i am done with letting my d think about my already crazy life.
submitted by v-sandman to NoFap [link] [comments]

2020.10.31 05:20 BadeChevy My soul mate wants nothing to do with me. (Long Story)

Here is my story... the truth... my confession... and the cause of great torment and sorrow in my life and others... most notably my Mate... my soul mate... the other half to my coin. To tell the story we have to start from the beginning, the very beginning... to draw the picture for you entirely.. so that you might be able to walk a mile in my shoes so to speak.
I was born April 7th, 1986 to a 15 year old mother, and 19 year old father... my grandmother took custody of me almost immediately. This has been a source of great contention between my family.. I'll be honest with you.. my mother... was a little off, personally I think she was on the spectrum somewhere, high functioning, but it was still very obvious once you spent time with her. As an example.. if she took me shopping for clothing, she didn't by me 1 shirt, or 1 pair of shorts, or pants.. she bought me 7 pairs in every color of the rainbow. Another example might be, if she asked me if I wanted an oreo, she wouldn't give me one, or two, she would give me 3 boxes. She was also very naïve as a person.. always getting taken advantage of, and falling for scams. Anyway, my mothers story was, that my grandmother took me from her because she always wanted a boy and never got one.. (My grandmother had 3 girls). My grandmother always told me it was because my mother was into drugs, and couldn't take care of me, being 15 and all. They both tried to get me to pick sides, and pick favorites... and I hated how they fought. When I was older I told them both at separate times, that I was not going to pick sides.. and I don't want to talk about it when I am with either of them. Just recently my grandmother admitted to me that she took me because she walked in on my mother sucking my penis when I was a baby. My grandmother is older now.. and she has had a lot of heart break in her life.. so I'm not sure if I should believe that.. on the one hand.. I could see it happening.. on the other hand.. my mother never tried later on in life.. at least not to my recollection. My father abandoned me almost instantly as well, but we will get to that later.
When I was 4 or 5, I contracted spinal meningitis... which at the time was very dangerous and very deadly. Basically, I had an infection in the fluid of my brain, and spine, it caused my brain to swell inside my skull that had a 98% chance of killing me, or leaving me deaf, dumb, blind, or with some other mental disability. I was in a coma for I don't even know how long, and much of my memory of before I went in the coma is rocky at best.. but I do remember when I went into the coma, I was at one of my aunts houses on my fathers side, her kids, my cousins, were at school, and it was pretty much just me and her, I started not feeling well, feverish, weak, headache.. but I was 4 or 5.. and I'm sure she thought I was just complaining.. she told me to toughen up and go outside and play, so I did, I went outside and swang on the swingset, I dunno how long, but I started to feel a great deal of pain in my head, so I started running back inside.. I clambered through the door and screamed,"My head is exploding!!" And I passed out at my aunts feet... the next thing I remember was looking down at my arm in a hospital as some jerk flicked an IV what was stuck in my arm.. you know that achie burny feeling? Yea. That, so I said.. "Ooouuuccchhhh..." And the guy looks down at me and says, "Oh my god, you are awake! Can you tell me your name!?" And I was really freaked the fuck out, so I yelled,"I want my grandmaaaa!" And started balling away. I don't remember much after that to be honest. I remember my aunt and her kids coming to visit me in the hospital.. they had brought me some toys to play with.. I remember a fire truck.. I'm not sure if you guys will remember.. but it was huge.. and had a working ladder that you could extend and swivel around.. that thing was awesome.
When I was 5 or 6, I was playing outside the front of my grandmothers house, I had been hitting a bush with a thick plastic baseball bat... heh, little boys are weird sometimes, when my mom pulled up, she had a yellow T top firebird.. man that thing was cool, it even had the pinstripe firebird scrawled into the hood. Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to come with her, and I said yea! So I went with her, I was 5 or 6, and I didn't know any better, and she was my mother. That was the day my mother kidnapped me... I don't know how long I lived with her.. but I do remember being hungry alot.. I remember having to fend for myself.. I remember having to scavenge for food from trashcans.. while she slept.. passed out on drugs.. I remember her having a lot of sex.. with a lot of guys.. in front of me... and I remember the police raid that saved me.. my sister and I, who was just a baby.. hid in the closet.. and the door opened, and blinding light flashed in my face.. and then I remember being carried by an officer.. and I remember seeing my mother in cuffs being put in the back of a squad car. I did not cry.. I just clung to the officer.. the next thing I remember is being at some kind of care facility.. there was some pretty sweet toys there, and I remember seeing my grandmother.. and there was a social worker that I talked to.. sort of.. I mostly just played with the toys.
I went back to living with my grandmother, she had owned a bar and grill in Minnesota called The Spring Inn. That is where she met my grandfather, he had native blood, and when I woke up from my coma had named me Bade Cheveyo.. which I guess means "Spirit Warrior" or "Warrior of Warriors" in his native language, not my legal name, but I do prefer to go by it. My grandparents were good people, but they were very old school.. they both grew up in the 40s.. and life was rather difficult for me.. they were racist.. they were bigoted.. and they were hypocritical.. they would tell me not to use violence as the answer.. but any time I ever did anything.. they would beat the crap out of me. Life was confusing.. and hard. I spent most of my time outside.. pretending I could talk to animals.. or being animals.. my favorite was pretending to be Todd the fox, from Fox and the Hound.
Anyway... we'll skip ahead to the next really significant thing I can remember.. I was 6 or 7.. maybe not even that.. but my grandfather died on my fathers side, and I went to his funeral.. that was the first time I met my father... this was a super significant event for me.. because I didn't have a dad.. and all I ever wanted to do was have one.. and get to do the things other kids got to do with their dads... I was so jealous of my cousins.. well.. I met him.. and he was just the coolest person.. we played catch with a football, he was kind of a football stud in highschool, as were most of my family. Well, my father promised to come pick me up that weekend, and we would go do father son things. That friday.. I waited.. and I waited.. and I waited.. with baited breath really.. I had all the hope in the world.. I fell asleep that night telling myself he could still show up.. but the next morning.. he wasn't there.. and he never showed up.. and I remember opening my eyes.. in my bed.. and I remember thinking.. "I will never do that to my son... I'll be the dad I never had for him." Can you imagine? Any little 6 or 7 year old boy thinking that? I definitely cant.
Overall, I had a pretty good childhood tho.. especially when I wasn't with my mother.. or my grandparents.. honestly.. I really believe my cousins and my fathers side of the family saved me.. they gave me very good experiences.. and don't get me wrong.. my grandparents did the best they could.. and I will forever be eternally grateful for what they did.. but.. it wasn't good enough. I remember 1 time, I was at my aunts house.. she had 3 kids, a girl my age.. and a boy slightly younger, and a younger girl.. she was probably 3 or 4 years younger than me.. well.. she was the baby of the family.. and utterly spoiled.. any time she fell or got any kind of bump.. it was always running off to mom or dad balling.. and I didn't like it.. so I teased her.. ALOT.. "Go cry to mommy! WAAAHHHH!" You might think I was a jerk for it.. but.. I wasn't doing it to be a jerk.. I was doing it because I wanted her to be a little more like me.. tough.. independent.. not relying on the parental units for EVERYTHING.. later on that summer.. she fell over on her bike.. and skinned her knee... and I was ready to pounce on her like I always did.. but she grimaced and dusted herself off, and picked herself up, and off she went.. I beamed.. I was so proud and impressed. At 7 years old. I hope I affected her in a positive way. And I think I did.
Later on.. I was maybe 7 or 8, maybe 9... my grandfather brought in an older boy into the house.. he was 19 at the time.. his brothers kid.. his name was Jordan... Jordan was a wild teen.. flunking out of school.. and my grandfather was kind of a hard ass, so that's why he was brought in, my grandfather was trying to whip him into shape. Well.. you remember how I always wanted that father figure? Well... Jordan started sexually abusing me... and worse.. I wanted it... or I thought I did.. not because of the content.. but I wanted to make him happy.. I wanted to make him happy so we would go out and do fun stuff.. like playing catch.. all that little boy shit I never got to do. That really messed me up.. because shortly there after.. one of my cousins on my dads side of the family started doing it too.. both male.. and at that point.. I thought it was normal. It wasn't. And as a fledgling teen, I struggled a great deal with my sexuality because of it. (I'm straight btw. I just like butt stuff! LOL! XD Sorry, I had to have a moment of humor going on.)
When I was about 10, we moved to Las Vegas.. that was probably the best thing that happen for me honestly.. getting away.. but at the same time.. it was probably the worst thing that happened to my grandmothers side of the family... we had sort of been the glue that held that family together.. every single one of them are alcoholics.. and the family sort of imploded after we left.. we moved because my grandfather had gotten pneumonia 6 times in 1 year, and the doctors basically said, go to a warmer climate, or put him in a box next year. So we left. My grandmother was kind of a bingo-holic, and they got merried in Vegas, so thats where we went. (Also a huge source of neglect on my grandparents part.)
Nothing terribly eventful happened in Vegas till I was 16, but.. one thing when I was 12ish.. and one thing when I was 14. When I was 12 we got a computer, with the internet and AOL. That's when I found the Furry Fandom... yes, I am Furry.. don't hate, its not nearly as bad as you would be led to believe, and there is actually a REALLY good documentary about it that you can look up on youtube. At any rate, I started exploring the internet.. and I stumbled upon some furry pictures.. and I was like.. ohhh, that's cool.. then I found a webforum that was dedicated to Furry RP.. If I remember right, it was called Yes, Yiff is a term used for sex in the furry fandom, so naturally, there was a lot of ERP there too, but its no big deal really. I knew I was a furry then on... I think I had always known.. I just knew it was an actual thing by finding that site, and meeting and interacting with people there.
When I was 14 I was at my grandparents flower shop, and my grandmother had an old TV that had Murry.. or some other day time TV on.. and they had a bunch of families on TV talking about and confronting their child sexual abusers... and I remember getting sooo angry at them... not because they were getting the attention I wanted.. quite the opposite really.. I was boiling.. simmering mad, because they all seemed so fake.. their stories didn't make sense.. which made it feel like they were making a mockery of what I went through.. they also all seemed to be addicted to that victim mentality.. all woooeees me.. this happened to meeee pitty meee! And I hated that attitude.. I made a promise to myself then.. that I would NEVER be a victim.. I would never let what happened to me color or influence my actions or how I feel. You might think.. oh.. how powerful.. and it is.. I felt powerful by making that decision.. but.. here is the catch.. My 14 year old brain never knew how to cope with what had happened.. or how to work through it.. so I just pretended it never happened.. because if it didn't happen.. it couldn't affect me.. but it did.. and it has.. and until recently.. I've never realized how much of an effect all these things has had on my actions... but I do now.. and am finally healing.
When I was 15.. I met a girl.. Lets call her.. RIE. I had a crush and fell for her pretty quickly.. she had a boyfriend tho.. and I had rules.. never go for a taken girl.. but I thought.. if I couldn't be with her.. I wanted to be her best friend... so I found out she hung out by the band room after school every day.. so.. I stopped taking the bus home, and hung out with her and her friends, that later became my friends too. For the rest of the year.. and I walked the 4 or 5 miles home.. almost every day.. which was fine by me, because I always knew I was going to join the Military and it was like pre-training. Well, I always went to Minnesota for the summers to see family and hang out.. my favorite times honestly.. I got to do the things I always wanted to do.. hang out with my cousins, go fishing, go camping.. hunting.. all that stuff.. then I would go back home, 2 or 3 weeks before school started, and hang out with my friends the rest of the summer till school started. My grandmother had gotten me a land line, because I was using the phone a lot with the internet and all.. and had mentioned that my phone had been ringing off the hook all summer.. and as soon as I got back.. my phone rang.. Guess who it was? Yup! RIE! She had a sort of high pitched voice that was both charming and enthusiastic at the same time. You couldn't help but smile. She wanted me to come over the next morning.. and I was like.. Errrmmmm.. I dunnoooo I kinda had plans to go hang out with the boooyyysss.. And she's like.. "My paarents aren't hoooommmeeee." And I was like,"Be there at 8 am!" XD Ahaha. You know the meme? Yea, was definitely me. The next day, I set my alarm, got up, and road my BMX bike over to her house. I was nervous.. and kind of a geek.. so I knocked on her door and hid around the corner.. and she came and answered.. and no one was there.. so she went back in.. so I giggled, and went around the corner to knock again.. to go hide again.. but she was clever. This time she closed the door and stayed outside.. so I giggled and came around the corner to almost run right into her.. she just grinned and watched as I stumbled.. over my feet, and words.. but I tried to play it cool.. "Oh! Hi!.. so I just got here.. but I saw some kids running around ding dong ditching people.. don't worry.. I chased them off." It was kinda cute to be honest.. now that I think of it.. we hung out.. outside.. and talked.. about stuff.. life.. random shit.. I tried to tell her a little bit about RP without going into too much detail about the furry stuff.. because even back then.. it was taboo and sort of frowned upon.. being furry even now is kind of like being gay in the 50s.. which is kind of sad. Anyway, no.. we didn't have sex.. but we did hang out together almost every day for the rest of the summer... you see, yea.. I HAD, had a big crush on her the following year.. but it was breaking my heart.. so I built up these walls around my heart to kind of.. make me less sad about being around her.. to protect myself.. to me, she was like my best friend / sister.. I still had those feelings for her.. but they were buried pretty deep.
Anyway.. to make a long story short.. she broke up with her boyfriend over the summer.. and then.. she ambushed me with all of her friends during a practice for the talent show at school.. they were doing a dance routine.. she asked if I would be her boyfriend.. and I froze.. and dropped her hand.. and was kinda like.. uuuhhhh... I'll think about... I spent the next 2 or 3 days tearing those walls around my heart down.. because I so wanted to be with her.. and she hid from me.. for 2 or 3 days after.. so about a week we hadn't seen each other.. I found her after school.. hiding in one of the band practice rooms.. I tried to explain to her everything.. that I had a crush on her since the first moment I saw her.. and that I had built up these walls because she was with some other guy.. and all that.. she understood.. but at the same time I don't think she understood.. because I thought we were together at that point.. but later we were having a conversation about sex and stuff in our big group.. and we were talking about the clitoris, when someone asked if she had experienced it done right.. and she's like.. "you kinda need a boyfriend for that..." As I was sitting super close next to her with my arm over her shoulders.. and I'm like... "uuhh.. what am I?" And then everyone was like... erm.. exit riiiight. Ahaha. Its really cool to have friends that are so in tune with social ques.. so we talked it out.. and I'm like.. fine.. lets make it official.. you tell me one of your biggest fantasies / secrets.. and I'll tell you one of mine.. and then we will be together.. so we did.. and it was awesome.. for a highschool puppy love kind of relationship. Well, later on.. she told me she was going back to texas to finish high school where she started... and I was like.. okay.. sure.. because we both knew each other enough to know that long distance wasn't going to work.. but.. we promised each other that later in life.. we would find each other and give it another go.. a real go. Kinda romantic I think.. well.. she left.. and not 2 or 3 days after she left... it caught up to me.. she was gone.. and I was in love with her.. I had been the whole time.. and my entire world was crushed..
So at the age of 16 almost 17.. I told my grandparents I had to go.. I had to leave.. that I was moving back to Minnesota.. and thats what I did.. I had met my dad again for the SECOND time in my life.. and he seemed pretty cool.. so I bounced around to different family members.. until I moved in with him, and 2 of my aunts.. you see.. the strange thing about my dad is.. he would come home after happy hour.. and we would be the best of friends.. we would cook a little.. and spend time together.. before he passed out.. but when he was sober.. he ignored me.. he treated me like a potted plant.. or a lamp.. it was a really weird thing..
I failed my senior year of highschool that year.. partly not my fault.. mostly the system really.. there was no way for me to graduate because the systems weren't compatible.. and I kinda said fuck it, and just dicked off all year.
Then I moved in with my mother.. in a trailer.. that she didn't take very good care of.. with my sister.. who was, and still is, a horrible person... I got a job working at a steel manufacturing plant, making about 25 dollars an hour.. and I saved a SHIT TON of money.. well.. my sister kinda fucked that up.. you see, my sister had been stealing from my mother, doing drugs, going out having sex, and trading sex for drugs and booze.. then she ran away.. and I was like good.. go follow through with your decision.. and my mother basically told me where I stand.. and to get the fuck out. So I left.. she was at work.. and I never saw her again. She is gone now.. and I hate that I never got to go through some of these things and try to fix our relationship.. or at least tell her that I love her.. RIP my mom. (She died last year.)
Anyway, I joined the Marine Corps.. RIE and I had kept in touch on and off the whole time.. through email and phone.. but rarely.. like once a month if that. I was about to go to bootcamp when she called me.. how she found out where I was, or got the number I will never understand. But.. it was like we never spent a moment apart.. she had just gotten out of bootcamp and was going to her A school at Cherry Point I believe. And I was set to go to bootcamp in the next couple of weeks. And it kind of dawned on each other at the same moment.. "What if we get stationed at the same place?" "OMG! We could get that second chance!" The shit was hype! I'm not going to lie.. I'm not the biggest guy.. I'm like 5'8, like 120-130. (I usually hover around 130-140 now a days.) And physically.. bootcamp was hard AF.. there were definitely moments I wanted to quit.. and my mind was like.. yea buddy.. we are done.. and my body was like.. yea, what he said! But my heart was like.. "STFU YOU CUNTS! WE GOTTA DO THIS SHIT!" Because if I quit.. I'd never get that second shot.. so I didn't.. I powered through it.. and I became a US Marine.
I was on leave after bootcamp. I went back to Vegas. The first thing I did was get a new cell phone.. I shit you not, not a day later, guess who calls me.. yup! RIE. How she got my number.. weird huh? She had graduated her A school.. and was at stationed at Camp Pendleton.. I was going to Camp Pendleton to go to the School of Infantry, and ITB (Infantry Training Battalion). And the whole time we talked it was, I can't wait to see you, I love you so much, getting a second chance is going to be so awesome... well this guy kept coming over at the same time every night.. and I'm not going to lie.. I am the jealous type.. (Not so much anymore.. but I was.. insecurity is a hell of a thing..) but.. no one likes that guy.. and I wanted her to feel like I trusted her.. so I'm like.. alllriiight then. Well, a few days later.. I call.. and he answers her phone for her.. and I'm like.. Oh.. is RIE there? And he's like yea, hold on.. So I'm livid at this point.. I'm throwing knife hands in the air, and jumping around like a drill instructor.. and I yell, "WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT!?" And in the background I hear.. "Her fucking husband, that's who!" And.. I feel everything that I am drop out the pit of my stomach.. "I didn't know how to tell you,.. blah blah.. this that.. " I told her that I never wanted to talk to her again.. to leave me the fuck alone.. all that. And I carried on.. went to SOI.. well.. about half way through SOI, we had just gotten out of being in the field for a week.. everyone was tired.. and fucked up.. it was going to be the first liberty call we had in like a month or something.. (Liberty is like.. getting time off, we had the weekend off.) I had just gotten done taking a shower, had some nice fresh, brand new sweats on.. man, I love the feel of nice clean sweats.. when over the intercom I hear.. "Lance Corporal Cheveyo! Report to the Duty Hut!" Now, to this day, Ive never heard another intercom over a base go off for any reason.. so I'm sitting here like.. FUUUUUUCCCKKKK!!!!! What did I dooooooo!? I go report in.. my gunny is sitting there just shooting lasers out of his eyeballs at me.. definitely if looks could kill, I'd have been smitted.. smotten? On the spot. All he does is point to his left.. my right.. so I turn to look.. and guess who is there.. standing in my duty hut.. YUP! RIE.... with her Husband, standing right behind her... so I say.. "Oh... its you...." All my body language and tone displaying every single fuck off vibe I've ever mustered.. out of the corner of my eye I could see my gunny physically relax.. because I'm sure he was like.. this kid is going to cause me ALL KINDS OF PAPERWORK! Rofl. So she sorta skips up closer to me.. and in that charming way of hers say,"Oh, yea, Hi, sooo, I was wondering if... I know you have liberty tomorrow and this weekend.. but, sooo I was wondering if you wanted to go see a movie.. with me... and my husband..." And my first lightning fast thought is.. "YOU ARE FUCKING HIGH AS FUCK! LIKE.. let me get some of that shit.. because god damn.. you are fucking mental right now... " My very second lightning fast thought was... she has a car.. my very 3rd lightning fast thought was... I wonder how many of the bros we can fit.. in her car. So I said, yea.. sure.. be here at 8 am sharp. She showed up the next morning.. without her husband.. and we fit as many of the bros in her car as we could, and dropped them off in Ocean Side.. then we go on to spend the rest of the day together.. alone.. we saw Hood Winked.. pretty good movie.. definitely a movie with furry influences, so naturally I like it. She goes on to tell me how unhappy she is in her marriage.. how miserable she is.. how she is in the process of getting a divorce.. but her command wont let her because she has to go through marriage counseling first.. and I start to feel myself forgive her... and I start to get hope.. so I said.. alright.. let me know when the paperwork is final.. but.. we still hung out almost every chance we got..
Then I deployed... I'm going to skip deployment.. but.. a couple of weeks before we got back stateside.. I gave her a call.. because we had confirmed dates.. and I wanted her to be there on the grinder.. (Basically the Parade Deck.. where a lot of the formations and social functions of the unit are held)... because I envisioned getting off the bus.. throwing me seabag to the side, slow motion running towards each other... a twirling embrace.. and the most magical kiss.. and she says.. "Oh.. about that.. I have to tell you something.. but promise not to be mad..." I can't do that.. I don't make promises I can't keep... "I'm married again."..... Pretty fucked up.. not only did I get fooled once.. but twice.. by the girl I loved.. and had been waiting for for almost 6 years.. and not only that.. but she chose someone else... twice.. really makes a guy feel wanted and love.. ya know? Needless to say.. for a long time I've had big time self esteem and self worth issues.. up until recently..
I met a new girl.. I'm going to call her "She who shall not be named" because well.. she hurt me almost as badly.. basically.. I had been hiding my furriness to her.. and when it came time to tell her.. she turned her back on me.. we broke up around 2014.. that wasn't it big deal.. sure it hurt.. but I think I kinda knew we weren't right for each other.. now.. this is were the relationship advice I need comes from..
I met... lets call her Kitten, I met Kitten in 2016 on a furry dating site.. and it was just kind of a fluke.. like the stars aligned at just the right time.. we started chatting.. then we met.. and I was smitten.. super infatuated.. interested.. shes everything I've ever dreamed of and more.. but.. she had to go to Australia for a little while for a cross student exchange program.. so I try to play it cool.. and I'm like.. lets not make anything official.. you could meet a crocodile dun dee out there.. let me tell you, that Australian accent is to die for.. but we chat every day.. text.. skype.. we even had a couple of skype dates.. right around sept 2017 she had to come back to the states for some court stuff.. family drama.. type shit.. its way more serious than that.. but I don't want to give away too much detail about it.. we met up.. I picked her up from the airport.. and we drove down to Oceanside.. and hung out there for the weekend.. it was amazing.. absolutely the best time in my entire life.. we walked the boardwalks.. ate food together.. went to a movie.. although the movie was kinda shit to be honest.. was probably the worst movie honestly.. but I was still with her.. and we were together.. Well.. I was supposed to pick her up to take her back to the airport.. but my dog.. (I had 2 german shephards.. my furbabies..) and she had to be taken to the vet.. life threatening type thing.. and I lost my phone.. and couldn't contact her.. so her aunt brought her to the airport.. it was really fucked up on my part.. but she understood.. and I was really sorry about it... truly.. anyway.. we continue doing the video dates.. and chatting and texting.. well.. I had been working as a freelance private investigator.. with some executive protection stuff thrown in there here and there.. I was making pretty good money.. enough to afford a 2 bedroom by myself here in California. When Kitten tells me that she feels uncomfortable with the work I do.. because it puts me in harms way sometimes... so I said.. its kinda seasonal anyway.. and got a job working regular security.. but making half what I was making.. so I started looking for a roommate.
And here lies my mistake... I took "She who shall not be named" in as my roommate.. because it had been a couple of years since we had been involved.. and she seemed cool with it.. and we knew each other pretty well.. Kitten and I had a conversation about living with an X and she said she never could do that.. and that scared the living crap out of me.. so I didn't tell her.. well.. I told her I had a roommate.. but I didn't tell her that my roommate and I had been romantically involved at one point.. I didn't tell her because I didn't want her to worry or feel insecure.. and I didn't want it to put stress on our relationship.. I was trying to avoid an issue.. because to me.. it wasn't an issue.. but I would find out later it became an issue.. it became a mega issue for me too. One of the house rules that my roomie and I discussed was, I don't bring random girls home, so I'm like, Fine, you don't bring random guys home... and we are both like, fine fine fine.. you know the fine war?
Anyway, during that time.. my roommate started to abuse me.. emotionally.. mentally.. physically.. and I endured it.. because I needed her help financially.. and.. my trauma told me I deserved it... I had no support structure.. I had cut my entire family out of my life because I wanted nothing to do with them for what happened to me as a child... I was mad at them for not protecting me.. or finding out.. or catching on... I had no friends... all I had was Kitten.. and I couldn't tell her.. because then I would have to come clean about my roomie... I felt trapped.. and it made me miserable.. I hated my job... I hated my life at home... the only time I could ever be myself was when I was with kitten... which I tried to see her as often as I could.. but I worked monday through friday.. night shift.. so most of the time it was just on the weekends.. and I was a zombie because of it.. because the weekends were usually my catch up days...
Well.. Kitten and I fought.. about not getting to see each other enough.. and she said my roommate was controlling me.. and I was sort of in denial at that point.. so I fought with her... and she offered help.. she offered to get me a job.. she offered to help me look for a place.. but I always have to do it all on my own.. because I don't want to be a burden to anyone.. and so many other things..
Well, kitten broke up with me early in July... and I think my roommate told her a bunch of lies about us being together the whole time... because that was her soul goal ever since her and I broke up.. "If I can't have him.. no one else can" type of thing.. I've done everything I could to try and convince her to see me.. not to get back together.. but just to talk.. let me tell her the truth.. let me tell her my side of the story.. but she refuses.. a couple of days ago I went to the restraining order hearing she filed on me... For 2, maybe 3 purposes... 1. I did not go to defend myself or my actions.. which were deemed harassing, but simply to build context as to why I felt so strongly. 2. I wanted to see her with my own 2 eyes again.. even if it was the last time... and 3. I wanted to try to get her to realize that a lot of my actions in our relationship.. and lack of actions were in part, due to my unrealized and unhealed trauma.. (Which I have been working on ever since.. and omg.. is it a terrible yet amazingly freeing experience.) and in part due to my roomie utterly abusing the shit out of me... and that HER trauma was doing the same exact thing... she is letting her trauma control her actions.. her fear..
Ultimately I didn't get to tell my story... the judge didn't want any part of it.. they are pretty harsh on guys in court.. that's male privileges' for you.. I didn't get to tell her how her trauma is commanding her... and I didn't look at her... because I didn't want to look at her unless she wanted me to look at her... I denied myself even looking at her.. because I was more worried about her feelings, and how she felt... the judge ordered an extension on the temporary restraining order... for another 6 months... I know I am not going to contact her... or anyone she knows.. because I don't want to get a permanent restraining order slapped on me... so I know what I'm not going to do...
But what should I do? I love her with every part of my being.. she is the most beautiful person I have ever met, or seen.. we just fit together... its kind of magical...
I do know that I am going to continue working on myself, since her and I have broken up.. I've moved out of the toxic and poisonous living arrangement.. I've gone back to school and am absolutely killing it.. I got a 97% in my first class, and I should get a 97% in my second class.. which feels SO GOOD.. considering I haven't gotten an A in a class since like 2nd grade.. I'm working through my issues and healing.. I've confronted one of my abusers... I'm working on getting my sister caught for things I think she might have had a hand in.. I'm doing all the things I've always wanted to do.. and it makes me happy... partly because its what I've wanted for so long... but also.. because its all stuff that WE.. kitten and I.. have always wanted.. for me.. for each other...
I need help figuring out how to win her back... because I am worth it.. I deserve to be with the woman I love.. and she deserves to be with the man she loves.. even if her trauma has convinced her he is something he is not... one thing is for sure.. I will hold her in my heart forever.. and I will wait until she is ready to heal.. and maybe.. some day.. she might find me again.. because I'm not so sure there is anything I CAN do.. until she is ready to heal... I hope its sooner rather than later..
submitted by BadeChevy to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.10.31 02:28 maggiemae1093 Trouble trusting things my boyfriend says, how do I regain trust?

I (F20) have been dating my boyfriend (M22) since I was 16. We broke up for couple months during my senior year due to normal high school drama and eventually worked it out. We have been through a lot including me moving away for college and coming back, and we recently bought a house. He has been the biggest supporter in my life, and he is my best friend, I love him to pieces. Since the summer I have been having increased trouble trusting him and having really bad paranoia about him cheating on me. A couple years ago during the summer he logged into his messenger on my phone and we were goofing off and laughing, well there was a blocked persons messages that he got embarrassed at and didn’t let me read. Me being an insecure person looked at the messages and saw that he flirted with a girl for a few days online while we were together the first time. I confronted him about it and he said it was a mistake and a moment of weakness. When we got back together at the end of my senior year I told him that I had hooked up with someone when we were broken up and he was really hurt and told me he didn’t understand how I could have done that when I said I was still in love with him. Flash forward to this summer, on one very drunken evening for the both of us I went through his old messages with his ex girlfriend (seriousish high school girlfriend that came before me and he hasn’t talked to since we got back together) and it appears from their messages that they had sex once when we were broken up and fooled around over the internet. I also found on his old tinder where he had messages a non-flirtatious message to a random girl during my freshman year or college when we were having a rough patch (that was our last rough patch). This caused a huge fight between us where he said he was very sorry but it happened all years ago and we are adults now and we have to trust each other because we a partners. I agreed with him and since I have been trying to move on from it. Also during this summer he explained to me that his view on sex is that it’s just a feeling and the only thing that makes it special with me is that I’m the person he loves, but if he really wanted to he could close his eyes and pretend that he was having sex with anything or anyone (not just during sex with me but doing any sexual thing) and tried to convince me to be open to threesomes again (I had a rough experience with him and I having a threesome with someone) because he thinks that it’s the only reasonable “new” thing we can do to spice up our sex life since we have done a lot. This makes me feel like he wants to have sex with other people and that hurts me so deeply. This feeling coupled with the few unfaithful things he has done in the past has lead me to have increased trust issues. On a normal day I trust that he wouldn’t cheat on me, and every single person in his life thinks he could never cheat on me because they see that I’m his “everything”. My issue with the thought of him cheating is that he would be breaking my trust, but also it would mean I’m not enough for the person that I consider my soulmate. I want to know how to regain that trust that I had for him at one point, I want to not be worried that there is another woman in our house when I’m gone at work, and most of all I want to not ruin our relationship over my insecurities and paranoia. I know that not everyone is perfect and everyone has made mistakes, and I know that he knows he can’t hide anything from me because we know all of each others personal information (accounts, bank stuff, etc). Any advice on how you handled a similar situation or feeling?
submitted by maggiemae1093 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.10.31 00:47 ThrowRA98234789 I (28F) feel stuck in an 8 year relationship with my fiancé (26M) that I'm not sure I want to be in anymore.

Warning: this is going to be REALLY long.
Quick introductions:
Me - Grew up in a small town (12 students in my graduating class small). Parents divorced due to my dad’s alcoholism when I was 14, moved with my mom and sisters to a much bigger town, was terrified by the large school, moved back in with my dad in small town and finished high school. Moved back to bigger town, did some college, still haven’t finished 10 years later, but I’m trying. Inherited my mom’s depression and anxiety, and I’ve also struggled with emetophobia for 13 years.
Him – Grew up in above referenced bigger town. Never received a formal education. Parents “homeschooled” he and his brother (his mom followed a curriculum up until a 3rd or 4th grade level, then basically ditched any form of structure and just taught them what she knows. I have to spell pretty basic words for him sometimes.) Parents are somewhat disabled and his brother doesn’t help them out, so he is the one that drives them to pick up medications, helps pay for groceries, gives them rides when they need it, etc.
My fiancé and I started dating 8 years ago, when he was 18 and I was 20. He ended up moving into my apartment with me after a few months. Looking back now, we obviously moved too fast, but we were young and dumb.
6 months into the relationship came the first red flag. He had trust issues from a former relationship, and he didn’t like that I had guy friends I would talk to here and there. I remember I was in the bedroom and had checked in with a guy that I had been friends with since I was 13. Just “Hey! How are you?” stuff. All of a sudden, I hear a commotion in the living room and went out to see what was going on and found things thrown everywhere, window blinds broken, him just in a rage. Found out he had downloaded an app onto my phone without my knowledge that forwarded all of my messages to his phone, and he was really angry that I was talking to a guy. I probably should have ended the relationship there, but I really liked him and honestly, at this point I was reliant on him covering half the bills. This was the first time I was concerned he may have anger issues.
Shortly after, we move into a very small house that my mom owns and lets us rent for really cheap. 7.5 years later, we still live here.
After the first incident in the apartment, we went into this never-ending cycle of being happy together and getting along great, then something happens and we can’t stand each other for a while. It's remained this way our entire relationship.
I remember lying in bed one night sobbing because of how badly I wanted to end the relationship, but I was trapped because I simply didn’t make enough money to afford all the bills on my own. The next morning I realized my period was late and I hadn't been feeling well, took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I was 21 at the time, he was 19.
Our daughter turned 6 years old last week. She is the love of our lives. He is a fantastic dad. He goes to work, comes home, and plays with her until bedtime. He very rarely complains about not getting time to himself.
So, that’s where we’re at now. I’ve worked at home for 6 years doing call center work, he has a job as a web designer. I'm in school and working really hard on getting a Bachelors degree in accounting.
Okay, so let me actually get to the point and talk about some major issues that I have in regards to my fiancé and what has me seeking advice here:
1) Anger issues. He has had anger issues for years. It will get to the point of hitting things, throwing things, yelling, etc. We have a large hole in one of our walls and dents in our front door from punches. When he is in these moods, the house just feels so tense – the classic “walking on eggshells” feeling. This isn’t a daily occurrence (currently, has been in the past), but it happens often.
2) He does not take ownership of ANYTHING he does wrong. In his eyes, the world is out to get him. He hit a pole in a parking lot last night and really messed up our car… but it wasn’t his fault, of course. “Who puts a pole in the middle of a parking lot?!” Granted, it was dark, but, ya know… headlights and stuff. I’m having to teach him basic manners. If, for example, he throws a ball and it hits me or our daughter, he’ll laugh like it’s the funniest shit ever and say, “Omg! You okay?” but he does not say “I’m sorry.” I don’t know why this drives me crazy, but it does. I realized he does this a few months ago and since then if something like that happens, I have been asking him “Did you say I’m sorry?” like a child. He just has a reeeal problem with saying he’s sorry for anything or admitting that something happened because of his actions.
3) Somewhat related to the previous point, he thinks everyone but himself is stupid. For example: when we moved into our house, it had a roach problem. We have had the house treated a few times since we’ve lived here, they always end up coming back. Anyway, it was so bad at one point that roaches were living in our electronics. Like, we could see them moving around in the lit numbers on the microwave, living in our internet modem/router thing, etc. So his computer is currently broken, he took it to Best Buy the other day to get it looked at. He gets a call that night saying they opened it up and found bugs and can’t work on it and he’d need to pick it up. I said "Ugh, that is so embarrassing", and he goes off all, “No it’s not! They probably found one ant and now are like ‘omg you gotta come get this thing we can’t touch it’, these people are idiots blah blah.” I’m like.. no dude, they probably found several alive or dead roaches and of course they can’t have those in their store. Anyway, he comes back in the kitchen shortly after, proud af saying he left them a 1 star review online because they refused to work on his computer.
4) His hygiene and self care health wise are big issues for me. His parents weren’t very .. parenty. He never went to the dentist or doctor growing up. At 26 he’s already had 3-4 teeth pulled and his mouth is just full of cavities. Some of his front teeth are black and just rotting and his breath is awful. He literally just doesn’t brush his teeth. One time I bought him a new toothbrush and it went unopened for weeks. We rarely kiss because his mouth just grosses me out. I know that sounds so harsh, but it’s the truth. If we do, it’s a quick peck. I also haven’t wanted him to do mouth stuff down there for a long time because it just makes me feel gross. So our sex life is pretty vanilla, basic stuff. And honestly because of the personality issues and hygiene issues, I’m just not that physically attracted anymore. If we have sex it’s usually because I feel like he’s due for it? If that makes sense. That sounds so terrible. But I pretty much never have an actual DESIRE to have sex.
Health wise – he has had some long running morning mucus issue. Basically he hocks up loogies every morning, sometimes he’s extremely nauseous in the mornings from (what he assumes) is post nasal drip, and he used to puke every single morning. This has gone on for years. I’ve told him several, several times he should go to a doctor to see what could be done about it, but he just doesn’t. So every morning is just a disgusting mix of sounds from coughing, hocking, spitting, and puking a lot of the time. Also, he just kind of spits these giant loogies out wherever. The kitchen sink, the bathroom sink, the trash can, onto a pile of trash that he has by his desk in the corner of our bedroom. The other day, I was picking stuff up off the living room floor and didn’t realize what it was because it looked... solid? Idk, but I went to pick it up, it was a loogie. Stuck to my hand, all stringy between my fingers... Absolutely disgusting. He also used to piss in empty 2 liter soda bottles while playing video games and just let them sit around on the floor by his computer desk. : Luckily he grew out of that after I complained enough. (More of a hygiene point)
5) Substance abuse. My dad was an alcoholic while I was growing up. I saw how alcoholism can rip apart families and it really affected how I feel toward alcohol. While I don’t drink, I’ve never minded my fiancé having a couple drinks for fun here and there, but he has struggled with bouts of alcoholism as well. He went from being fun and goofy when he was drunk, to being an absolute angry monster, which is exactly how my dad was when he was drunk. I’ve talked to him so many times about how I just cannot put up with dating someone with a drinking problem and how awful he acts when he’s drunk. (Example: last Christmas Eve he got so drunk he ended up purposefully smashing his head multiple times into our nightstand, bloodying his entire face, went outside and fell asleep in the car, puked all Christmas Eve night and into Christmas morning. Was too sick Christmas morning to go to my family’s get together.) He also is a daily weed smoker, this began probably 6-7 years ago. I told him from the start that I don’t mind if he does it here and there, but I did not want to be with someone that was dependent on weed on a daily basis. Well that’s exactly what ended up happening, he wakes up and smokes, comes home on his lunch break and smokes, smokes off and on all night, gets in a terrible mood when he runs out and doesn’t have some for a few days, etc. Spends around $100 a week on it.. I’ve talked to him about how I don’t like it so many times. It doesn’t matter.
6) Just a general lack of respect toward me. I just really hate how he talks to me sometimes. Or like when we get in a big fight, he’ll be in the other room and I’ll hear him mumbling about me, calling me names, saying I’m crazy, etc. He’ll lie about drinking, will basically be all “idk how those got there/ those are super old” after I find empty alcohol shooters in the car (after I’d cleaned it out the previous week). He lies about how much he spends on weed. He just always says I’m the one that’s overreacting to his actions or to life situations, that I’m the one that has problems, not him.. Like when he hit a pole in our car last night, I got upset about it today while trying to organize a rental, get the car towed to the shop, etc. And his response to me saying he must’ve hit the pole pretty hard for it to not be drivable now was, “I said I would pay for it anyways lol just chill out yo”.
Guys, this is so long and I’m SO sorry. Thank you if you’ve actually read all this.
Anyway, the reasons I haven’t just given up and called it quits yet are because 1) money, 2) “comfort” (although a lot of times my situation is uncomfortable), 3) not wanting my child to have to deal with the pain of parents that aren’t together anymore, 4) scared to do it all on my own – parenting, work, school, etc. 5) I have struggled with emetophobia since I was 15/16. If you’re not familiar with emetophobia, it’s a phobia of vomiting. I’m much better than I used to be, but it is still a very controlling, high anxiety producing phobia. The few times that my daughter has gotten sick so far in her life, her dad was the one who cared for her. I was in the other room covering my ears and crying, even though I so badly wanted to be the one comforting and caring for her. In those kind of situations my fight or flight response just turns tf ON and I panic. You would think being with someone who vomits so much (his mucus issue at times has caused him to puke daily, every morning) would rid me of this phobia, but it hasn’t. The exposure has helped a lot, but it’s still a very controlling phobia I struggle with. I am PETRIFIED of us breaking up and being here alone to care for her when she’s sick. I truly don't know that I could do it. Sadly, that is probably the biggest reason I’ve stayed with him. Sounds so ridiculous, I know, and I’ve tried getting therapy for it before, and even therapists laugh it off or are weirded out by it.
I guess the whole point of this is to ask, what the f*ck do I do?
I was talking to my sister about this the other day and she was saying she feels so lucky to have her boyfriend and how you SHOULD feel lucky and proud to be with someone, and I can’t say that I feel that way. But I also don’t think there’s one specific way you’re supposed to feel in a relationship. Maybe I’ve just been in an unhealthy relationship so long that I’m not sure what a legit healthy one is supposed to look and feel like?
I know we both could benefit immensely from therapy. I started going a couple years ago but had to quit because it was costing $100 a week. I’ve asked him to go several times, but he doesn’t take initiative and do it. He doesn’t handle anything like that on his own as well, so I’d have to call and get him set up with a therapist, tell him where to go and when, find him a new one if he didn’t like that one, etc. I also file his taxes and do other parent like things for him.
I just feel so stuck. Do I just stay in this relationship until she’s old enough to handle things on her own when she’s sick? Do I stay with him until she’s much older and moves out? Do we get couples therapy and try to work through it, even though I really don’t have a desire to try because I'm really not that attracted to him anymore, physically or emotionally..? I just need some outside opinions.
submitted by ThrowRA98234789 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.10.31 00:12 NotAHippo4 I feel like I am a very boring person to talk to sometimes. Or is it just the fact that I think I am that is holding me back?

Today has been a rough, unproductive day because this depressive feeling has sapped all of my energy. I really don't understand what is wrong with me. I just simply can't talk to some people. There are only a couple situations where I can talk to people, and have an interesting conversation. It feels like it mostly rests on the other person whether or not I will feel sociable or not.
My brother for example, I am very dry with. I rarely speak to him and for some reason, I can't simply get myself to say something interesting as he just says "that's cool" or something boring like that. The same happens with a friend of mine that is very quiet and constantly calls himself a boring person. This also happens during the day when I don't feel very excited or have had poor sleep. But when I was out in a bar with my friend, meeting people, I was asking them all sorts of questions and sharing my own experiences and feeling very confident to the point where I could strike a convo with everyone, even though I have not had a single drink yet, and I did! And when I talk with another friend of mine, who is very passionate, energetic, and himself(we are both doing this massive project where we want to create a virtual, internet works of sorts which, for brevity, I won't get into). I straight up talk to him for hours on end.l, play video games, and practice leetcode(a coding problem website) all day! I have no problem making acquaintances or friends sometimes, but it feels like I can't be charismatic when I really want to.
I feel like this contradiction is likely due to the fact that other people are bringing out my energy and I simply can't let it out myself. I can't bring myself to be social but when I am around someone who have energy and drive and who likes me, and shows interest, I become motivated and all of a sudden I can become an amazing speaker who can sound very passionate
What i honestly hate about myself is that I can't just "be social" on my own. I am always dependent on how people act. I also can't bring myself to feel energetic when I want to. I want to just be an energetic person without needing others to feel confident.
All of today was a pretty big waste because I spent the whole day thinking about this and being unproductive in general, and that itself makes me feel like my soul is taking yet another kick in the nuts.
Edit: what has got me to feel this way was an article that I read about how to get the best photos for tinder. I kinda want to start using dating apps again even though the last time was a total flop, and I realized that people want to see others who are adventurous, which I am since I like going to the beach and going out(sometimes by myself), but most of these activities I do them by myself and have very little experience doing them. It got me thinking that I was a boring person because I am not going out with friends. The fact that I need to look like I am having fun with people got me thinking why I cant just be sociable on my own. I took a look at what sort of good tinder profiles have and realized that I had no where near as much social proof available to me or experience in being adventurous and interesting as those people with decent tinder profiles. I could post photos of me being in Japan because I love traveling, but it's not something I have a lot of experience doing so what is the point?
submitted by NotAHippo4 to socialskills [link] [comments]

2020.10.30 19:29 Lovetheangelshadow Splinterbark: Chaos of the Coyote Crew CH 2

Chapter 2: The Season Pilot Heist

Shelly was not even sure why she was out here. It was Halloween night and while normally she would be more than happy to fully deck out and go on candy hunts-this year her heart just wasn’t in it. With everything that had happened she hadn’t even dressed the house for the season. Reed had kept trying to give her back the goggles and each time she shoved them right back into his hands. Frix grumbled and complained the entire time.
“That is not now this works, Shelly”, he would start ranting. She and Frix were connected and the gem in those goggles were attuned specifically to her. Even if Reed had found a new partner, the gem would not respond to anyone but Shelly.
“Where was all that bravado from before eh? I thought supers were your life. I thought this was something you wanted!” Shelly had no real response for that. Eventually it would end up with her shoving Frix in the closet so she could get some darn sleep.
Tonight something told her she had to just go out. She told her parents that she was just going to check out the decorations in her neighborhood and return shortly. Walking down the road she saw all the numerous costumes of the kids. Her area was a high traffic area for trick or treaters. She had seen the costumes of the latest films and a few Golden Guardian rip-offs. Shelly had a feeling the Silver Guardian was seeing this as well and was probably sulking about it somewhere. As if the fates had decided to respond to her musing, Shelly chanced to see a flash of grey and white above her. Sure enough she watched as the Silver Guardian was flying just high enough to not be spotted easily. So he was trying to do the same candy hunt the Golden Guardian had done. She tried to not laugh at how pathetic but admirable his efforts were to get affection from this city. Well, she had been practically avoiding him for weeks-she might as well at least say hello.
Someone else beaten her to the greeting. She saw a little girl dressed in a makeshift Silver Guardian costume with cardboard wings covered in aluminum foil had had a pair of water squirters painted in white and gold at her hands. Shelly had to stifle her chuckle seeing Silver’s embarrassment. He wasn’t so bad-if he could do something with that temper of his.
“Let’s head back home Frix. Frix? Now where did that bug go this time?” Shelly quietly hissed out for Frix just loud enough he could near, but not loud enough that she sounded like a loony. He could not have gotten far since he was tethered to her position. Shelly was just about to turn the corner when Frix darted right back at her and hid himself inside her hood. She was just about to ask when the growing scuttling sound answered her question. A beast the size of a cow had pulled itself through the wide storm drain in front of the large haunted house. The creature gurgled and clicked as it stretched out its full form before the crowd. At first everything thought it has one of the haunted house’s elaborate illusions and some screamed but most booed and clapped. The reaction from the monster responded otherwise. Its throat swelled up and upchucked a morass of slime at the crowd.
The beast began to approach those it had managed to capture and raised its tongue above its prey. Among the screaming people it slowly sniffed and huffed, but seemed dissatisfied with its potential meals. The creature had heaved itself onto the roof and began to scan its surroundings. That thing was frantically looking around at the other buildings as if searching for something specific. Shelly had a vague idea what it was trying to do. A beast like this meant Hunter had to be nearby somewhere. She did not have much time to dwell on it when she saw the Silver Guardian appearing around the corner. She watched the angel battle the beast before it caught him in between two telephone poles and pinned him down. She saw the red haze envelop the hero and the monster greedily inhaling it in. Suddenly Frix shoved Shelly’s googles in her hands. The things were coated in slime and the sprite was having trouble flying and keeping the eyewear aloft.
“No time to wash it off, Shelly. You got to get the Silver Guardian loose!” Shelly grabbed the goggles and began to focus on the beams-but then stopped. She still clearly remembered him telling her he didn’t need her help and he had well managed to beat Prism Break and would have caught Circus Freak if it hadn’t been for her. Surely such a great and powerful hero didn’t need her help. Another thought came to mind. What if she did do something and just made it worse? Frix jabbed her cheek with one of his talons and pressed his face against the bridge of her nose.
“You don’t have time to play the pity party, you pea brained pixie! If that Oozling drains all of that anger from the Silver Guardian-we’re good as dead!”
“Don’t think, just do it!” Destroying the beams were easy. The dry and stapled wood snapped easy to her will and it took barely thought for them to shatter-setting her ex-partner free. She watched as the creature attempted to ram its body at the angel and Silver taking it out with one punch. Even Frix seemed to wince at the single blow carnage. Shelly felt like she glimpsed something odd about the Solver Guardian. There had been faint traces of the red haze still surrounding him even when he had been set lose and they all accumulated into that lone strike. Even his face had seemed to have been temporarily transformed into apathetic anger before suddenly falling into terror and unease. She had never seen Silver that angry before except in one instance.
She had wanted to stick around to talk to him, but the crowd congratulating had been quick. There was no chance she could speak to him-at least not on a personal level. That and whatever had just happened had finally made Frix shut up. The only problem with that now is now she wanted to know what the heck he was rambling on about “oozelungs” and “draining” and he was not talking. She couldn’t win here.
Reed did feel better after a long sleep, and he grumbled how right Hunter had been. Even still that was a weird feeling he had to carry all the way home. When he had come downstairs his father was deep in thought looking at an open laptop and Marco drumming the side of his cereal bowl in impatience. Finally Morgan closed the laptop when Reed had seated himself at the table. His father still had his trademark disapproving glare that the boy had gotten used to over the years.
“I got your makeup grades sent to me yesterday. I suppose an 89% average is good enough for you. You’re ungrounded.” Marco playfully jabbed his father in the ribs.
“Ugh fine, since your leg has healed I suppose you’re off the hook, Marco.”
Marco hook his arm around Reed’s shoulder and gave a squeeze.
“All right. Looks like you and me are finally free from Father Warden’s control, old buddy.”
“Thank god, I couldn’t take another week of you”, Reed grumbled under his breath. Marco gave another squeeze and mussed up his already unkempt hair.
“Aw it wasn’t so bad. It’s practically the longest we’ve hung out together in years. What ya say I pick you up after school and we get some ice cream from T.Crystalz? You can even get the large size of your faaaave….” Reed bit his tongue to keep from licking his lips at the thought of it much to his father’s audible annoyance.
Shelly hadn’t thought much about last night even when she happened to see Reed leave his chauffeur’s car and walk towards the campus. She had an inkling he did see her but deliberately avoided her gaze and hurried himself inside the building. Even inside homeroom he had his face buried in the blank pages of his notebook. She had tried to speak up but something would keep interrupting her. During lunch she had seated herself at the end of “Alucard’s table” even when she still shot a few glances towards Reed.
“You two still not talking?” Alucard uttered to her before taking a long swig from his thermos.
“Oh I’m not allowed to talk to you, but you can talk to me”, she chided playfully before sticking her tongue out. Alucard pressed his fist against his mouth to hide a hint of a smirk.
“Alucard, WHO is she?” Shelly blinked at the blonde girl who had approached the table and brazenly plopped her tray right across from Alucard.
“I asked who she is”, the girl repeated.
“She’s just a classmate, Chelsea”, he snapped rather passively. Shelly had a feeling he wanted to say something else by the way he was gripping that thermos. Chelsea looked down her nose and Shelly and made a shooing motion with her manicured hand.
“Well go sit somewhere else, sweetie. This is a private table.” Frix was surprised Shelly obliging so easily and walking to the other table where Reed was sitting alone.
“That is not like you to just walk off”, both Reed and Frix commented as Shelly took a seat. Shelly just shoved a large piece of meatloaf into her mouth.
“I’m not in the mood. And I kinda promised Dad no more fights at school.” She then handed Frix a cherry tomato from her salad and winked. It was ten seconds later when Chelsea let out a yelp and was now frantically trying to get the cold pearl of vegetation out from the back of her shirt.
“Speaking of, how are you feeling from last night? You didn’t seem too good after that totally wicked single punch.” Reed’s neck flushed red slightly and he rubbed the back of his head at the complement. Frix coughed loudly and roughly gestured his neck signaling between Shelly and Reed. Reed was the only one who seemed to get what the sprite was suggesting.
“Thanks…I guess for last night. But I would have gotten out on my own.”
“Oh really? Totally not like a bovine xenomorph was draining you of your essence or whatever that weird red haze was.”
“So you do not think I can do this hero thing on my own?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You were thinking it.” Thomas slammed his tray between them while the rest of his pals took to their usual seats at the table.
“Lunch period is short enough without having you two bicker and spoil it”, he snapped at the two of them. Both Reed and Shelly grumbled a ‘fine’ and tried to finish their meatloaf and salad without looking at each other. Bret chanced to look over Shelly’s shoulder towards Alucard’s table.
“Looks like he’s got a new girl. How long do you think she’ll last?” Kirby gave it a month. Sam thought he was being far too optimistic and guessed a week at most.
“Speaking from experience since she was previously your girl”, Vincent jibbed. Shelly glanced at Thomas hoping for an explanation. He just shrugged as if this was supposed to be some kind of common knowledge in the school culture.
“Let’s just say it’s practically tradition for the past two years now. I think he’s dated just about very attractive chick in the junior class at this point.” Shelly rapped her fork on the side of her plate. It was clear she was annoyed.
“That’s just sick. You shouldn’t be making bets on other people’s relationships.”
“Aw relax Shell, we’re not the only ones who do this sort of thing. What? You got a crush on the guy too? Like he is going to think twice about a pipsqueak like you”, Kirby teased. Reed’s hand slowly rolled into a fist but Thomas grabbed it and quietly shook his head. Shelly just huffed as she rose up to put away her empty tray.
“Who knows, boys? I just might surprise you.” She was several feet away when suddenly all the boys jumped yelping they felt something cold and slimy grace the backs of their necks. Reed was not about to explain how cucumbers suddenly appeared under the backs of their shirts.
When Marco had come to pick Reed up from school he was perplexed to find his brother looking even more dour than usual. They drove in silence for a while though the brothers would cast awkward glances at each other. It did not take long before Reed was aware that they were not going the way to T.Crystalz. Marco explained he had to stop at one of the banks on the way and make a deposit for their father. Reed grumbled because it meant they actually go into the bank and not at the atm. Their father had always been finicky with bank transactions and receipts.
The bank they can gone into was one of the smaller branches scattered thought the city. While not as heavily fortified at the banks downtown, the doors were still heavy glass and the tellers were behind super high counters and encased behind thick plastic walls. Even at his great height Marco had to strain himself to just barely see over the counter. Reed just shoved his rail frame into one of the overstuffed chairs near the side wall and picked up the newspaper hoping to see some kind of blurb on his exploits from last night. He thought he caught at least one line mentioning something when an odd buzzing sound whooshed past his ear. If there was anything that he had learned from Prism Beak was when there was a sound that didn’t belong, one should be alert about it. He peeked over the back of his chair and chanced to see a small metallic lump scuttle across the rug. Reed had barely time to maneuver around the back of the chair when the metal lump suddenly shot up in the air and burst into a flash of white hot light.
Reed heard the doors get flung open and several fast paced raps of footwork among the shouts and screams of the few patrons inside the building. His sight was still a bit fuzzy from the flash and he had to feel his way to the alcove nearby that used to hold payphones if he remembered correctly. The light had faded eventually and when the crowd managed to get some eyesight back the interior had been flooded with floating spheres with red eyes trained on each and every one of them. Those not locked down on a hostage were just hovering there with a steady sway.
The ones what had entered after the bomb was a trio of costumed girls. They all wore the same skin tight tunic with a V-cut double breasted opening with white turtleneck blouses underneath; tight white pants, and knee high leather boots. The most notable feature was the canine half-masks that had curved slits for eyes and the lower jaw flush against their own jaws. The center one had a green tunic and waist length hair dyed in hot pink, lime green, and white.
“All right, you know the drill, ladies and gentlemen. This is a stick up. Don’t move and no one gets hurt.” She snapped the fingers of her white gloved hand and the free orbs darted without hesitation and attached themselves to the plastic barriers. Some began to glow red as the plastic began to melt about them while others scooped the goop away to keep them free. Once the hole was large enough the heater spheres hovered in front of the employees as the scoopers proceeded to wrench open the cash drawers.
Once the spheres had their mechanical pincers on cash they flew towards the other two coyote masked thieves who had sacks open. Marco was glancing around realizing that he couldn’t see Reed anywhere from where he was standing. The green one cast a sharp look at him and tapped several buttons on her glove making more of the drones turn their attention to him.
“And just what do you think you’re trying to do, hmm? Trying to be a hero?” Marco put his hands in front of him even as the red lights of the machines burned brighter.
“Look, I’m just looking for my brother. I wasn’t…” The tri colored coyote tapped the heel of her boot hard on the floor,
“Oh I am sooooo sure you were. Looks like someone needs to be made an example of.” The one dressed in the red tunic with bright blue hair grabbed the green one’s shoulder.
“Woah there, Captain. Don’t assume…” Captain smacked the red one’s hand away.
“You questioning me again, Blaze?” The last one, who was notably shorter than the other two was dressed in a blue tunic with white hair had gathered up the cash and was trying to sneak away only for a slew of drones to block her path.
“Going somewhere, Star?”
“Um no…nope, just putting the money by the door, Captain. I was just being prepared for us to leave”, Star stammered sheepishly. Captain huffed and turned her attention back to Marco. She clapped her hands like commanding a servant and three of the droids lashed their claws at Marco. Their claws shattered on the Silver Guardian’s chest. Silver swiftly whipped out his pistols and fired several consecutive shots on the robots holding the crowd hostage. He smirked and blew nonexistent smoke from the barrel with a jaunty wink. The response was a singular wolf whistle from Blaze.
“So you’re the Silver Guardian! Mmmhmm those videos on the internet really don’t do you justice. Ow!” Captain jabbed Blaze hard in the ribs with her elbow.
“Focus, Blaze. He’s just another run of the mill costumed goody good. PUPS! Take him down!” The robots compiled themselves together into a large paddle and tried to smack the angel down. Silver dig his heels slightly into the ground and curled one of his wings around him like a shield. The compiled mechanical swarm only shoved him back slightly. As they curled around for another pass, Silver opened his arms wide up and smacked them together hard, smashing a sizeable chunk of them between his muscles. The remaining bots tried to latch back onto the unsmashed halves when Silver grabbed one collection of them and swung them over his shoulder lime a heavy hammer on the other half-effectively decimating the automaton.
The room then become flooded with white smoke. The trio of costumed canines were almost at the door when Blaze ran smack into Silver’s chest and bounced off her other sisters. A sudden gust of wind from the door collided against them and slid them back towards the center of the room and blew away the smoke. The Silver Guardian stood in front of the entrance, arms folded and with a cocky grin.
“Going somewhere, ladies?” The trio had quickly gotten to their feet despite the sudden knockback. Captain snarled as she held her hand over her left hip.
“I wouldn’t be so smug if I were you.” She tapped the palm of her hand and three explosions occurred behind her. The large plastic barrier shoved downward and threatened to flatten the crowd below. The wall was halted as Silver had braced himself against the slab. The trio of thieves had pretty much escaped by then though Captain had stayed for just a moment to yell,
“You heroes are so predictable. Buh bye.”
Silver had stayed behind for a bit to shove the wall back into something of stable position before looking out the door. The thieves had been long gone and where was nothing around showing a trace of where they could have gone. Then he remembered he was technically supposed to still be inside the bank. Several cop cars were already beginning to approach the building and knowing he was still technically breaking the law, he maneuvered into the back parking lot and remerged back as Reed.
He spotted Marco just leaving the door, looking frantically around and calling out Reed’s name. Reed waved weakly from behind the police lines. What he did not expect was the suffocating hug from his brother.
“Oh thank god you’re safe. H-how did you end out here?” Reed paused and pressed his collarbone trying to think of a plausible story. Thomas would have had a better time with this.
“I think I stumbled out here when the flash bomb went off. I was still a bit dizzy so I guess I just hung out here.” He could automatically tell from Marco’s scrunched up face that his brother did not buy his story at all. He just responded with a head pat.
“Well let’s just go and give our statements to the police. I think we both definitely earned that butterscotch with the salted caramel sauce.”
submitted by Lovetheangelshadow to SuperheroStories [link] [comments]

2020.10.30 18:55 Back_like_Flint Seeking Advice Regarding How my Graduate Institution and/or the VA Handled the Exhaustion of my Post-9/11 G.I. Bill Benefits Under a Quarterly System.

Dear community, I sincerely regret taking four months before even considering to seek out our community’s shared wisdom, and perhaps some bureaucratic guidance now that I have suddenly found myself in a massive financial hole.
Considering the situation all American students experienced around the end of the 2019-2020 school year, my issue involved too many variables and actors to realistically attribute the blame to anyone. As such, I want to start by clearly stating that my objective is NOT to find the person to whom, or organization to which, blame can be attributed. For two-to-three months, I think, my anger and frustrations really conflicted with the very real need to find a solution for this problem. Also, I apologize in advance for the this post’s length, but anyone who reads it will understand why my thinking and writing lacks coherence and concision.
First and foremost, my ETS date was in the Summer of 2015, so I enrolled in 2-year public college in my home state in the Fall of 2015 and by the Fall of 2017, I had obtained my Associates in Science and transferred to the four-year public college in my State capital. In June 2019, I obtained two BAs—a primary in Political Science and secondary in Experimental Psychology, with emphases towards the subfields of International Relations (Foreign Policy, namely the international political economic and military structures—NOT international business, per se), Comparative Politics, and Political Psychology. Somehow, I was admitted and received a 50% scholarship for a top-10 MA Program for my field and, at a relatively famous Private (Non-Profit) University in the Midwest. While I was admitted into other top-20 programs, this one’s academic rigor as a 1-year program enticed me. In all actuality, I primarily decided to enroll into this specific program because their financial aid officers insisted that—while my tuition bill for the entire year appeared as though—all of my educational expenses were covered for the entire academic year, through: my remaining Chapter 33 benefits first, the Yellow Ribbon Program second, and then the University Scholarship last.
My Ch. 33 GI Bill only and 2 months of benefits remaining, but because this consisted of three intensive quarters, those two months actually covered the entirety of the first quarter, then—as my tuition bill demonstrated—the Yellow Ribbon Program and scholarship funding was deferred to cover the Winter and Spring quarters.
Due to my Alma Mater having been a public college, the Yellow Ribbon Program’s “matching funds’” system and its intricacies were unbeknownst and irrelevant to me as an undergrad. So in grad school, it seems that I have made the crippling mistake of trusting the authorities whom presumably dealt with GI Bill and Yellow Ribbon funding at the start of every school year—I even faxed in my E-Benefits transcript with every previous course’s cost to my entitlements alongside my official transcript, specifically to avoid misunderstandings regarding the fact that my benefits could not cover more than a single quarteterm.
School began on October 1st, the FAFSA Award offered only consisted of about $5,500 for the Winter and Spring quarters, to make up for the loss of BAH revenue. Even then, I reluctantly borrowed the amount offered through a Stafford Loan. On the first day of my Spring finals, however, a Hold suddenly appeared on my student account that prevented me from completing any of my quarterly and annual coursework (term papers and MA Thesis). Without warning, the way the VA and scholarship funding had been distributed back in September was now completely revised, with no Yellow Ribbon funding being offered (since my GI Bill did not carry over into the Winter and Spring quarters), and my scholarship apparently “had to be applied” before the post-9/11 GI Bill.
Basically, right before I would have graduated, I suddenly found myself on the hook for $20,000 in tuition fees that was suddenly being carried over for the whole year. My earlier Financial Aid award assumed that all of my tuition expenses were covered, so the Department of Education never offered a public student loan to cover the $20k, and by June of 2020, it was already wayyyyyy too late to “edit” my FAFSA application from the previous fiscal year.
I fought this for nearly two months, to no avail, lost a fellowship because of the pandemic and a really good job opportunity for the subsequent year (because I couldn’t, and still haven’t, graduated). Eventually the problems just became overwhelming, and I caved by applying through a private lender. But even afterwards, the University dragged its feet in certifying the loan, and I only received the “surplus” disbursement two weeks ago. Sadly, every penny from my savings and investments were exhausted between July and September, by which time I began to default with no recourse other than to explain to creditors the situation—which did not really help due to a faulty timeline... I never, ever expected the school to take around 14 weeks to process the loan and issue a refund after the lender informed me of the national average having been a short two weeks.
I called, emailed, and incessantly complained to everyone from my thesis advisor and program administrator, the bank, as well as my the Dean of Students in the Division of Social Sciences, but a mixture of unlikely hiccups—like an unnoticed faxing error that led to the Graduate Financial Aid Office believing that the lender was the one dragging its feet, in the middle of a Godforsaken plague—but with no offices being accessible to the public on campus at the time. In the end, I sort of gave up the fight after all I could cover became rent and electricity, and thus cut off my internet and cellphone service for about 45 days.
All that being said, I have a printout of all my monthly tuition bills, and it clearly shows that my balance was consistently $0, and under $0 when awaiting a refund, all the way from the first statement on Oct 31st 2019 through the start of Spring Finals on June 5th, 2020. Then, just became a casserole of past-due sums stacked with late fees, and the reality I was in hit like a ton of bricks, with no one at my school—not even the individual overseeing the Office that only exists to reach out to, and provide counseling for, military communities and families could give me advice that didn’t entail being wholly indebted to a crumbling system for what will probably be the next 20 years. The only solace I have is that Federal Interest rates and long-term treasury bonds are probably very unlikely to rise in the next few years, which would make the loan’s interest rate lower than what the Department of Education offers, at least for a few short years...
I’ve never been so distraught though, and now the quality of my academic work has declined drastically because I am simply incapable of thinking clearly for extended periods of time, nor of holding onto complicated thoughts long enough to put pen to paper. I do not suffer from substance abuse problems nor do I have a history with anxiety, PTSD, or depression, but I’m worried that, for the first time in my life, I am actually coming up against a stacked deck with no obvious way and have lost sight as to the importance of my own mental health. Had I known this crap would happen though, then I certainly would have gone to a school offering less in scholarship money over a two-year period that’s reasonably paced as to allow grad students to work at least 20-30 hours/week, or may even have gone back to my Canadian roots and studied in Montreal or BC for pennies on the dollar (compared to this madness anyways). In the one-year program, no one had the time to both generate revenue, meet the research requirements, and complete the coursework without shifting to a 36-hour schedule. And I reallyyyy tried to find a way to make that work, truly, but it’s too unhealthy a habit.
Honestly, the VA’s explanation regarding the Carr v. Wilkie may or may not be capable of influencing a situation like mine. I have no clue because their statement is perhaps one of the most unclear and sloppy explanation that I have ever witnessed come out of the VA:
“Prior to Carr, VA viewed the 48-month rule as a hard stop and would never extend end-of-term benefits beyond 48 months. The court ruled that VA’s interpretation is incorrect and instead, VA should apply the 48-month rule to limit the initial award which will determine when benefits are exhausted and the point at which we should then apply the end-of-term extension (i.e., an end-of-term extension should not be stopped at the 48th month).”
What is a “term” here, and is the court requiring them to actively offer benefit extensions or are they instead forcing Post 9/11 GI Bill recipients to revert back to Ch. 1606’s monthly payments of about $1,717. Are “terms” referencing a single school term, semester, the yearly lifespan of a college program, or something else entirely?
Further down, it then offers an example regarding how the Ch. 1606 Benefits would now be subtracted from Ch. 33 benefits, up to a maximum of 48 months, but never state whether this is only relevant for veterans transitioning from the Montgomery to the Post-9/11 GI Bill, or whether this means that numerous students—including myself—had their benefits wrongly calculated by the VA and may or may not have been required to take out private loans to cover the remainder. I did pay the monthly $100 for the Ch. 1606 benefits since I practically enlisted right out of high school in late-2008, but no one contacted me regarding my benefits of the appeals’ process, and I’m so swamped that I never have the time to really dig into what all of this means.
Lastly, had my benefits been properly calculated beforehand, then I could have taken advantage of Voc-Rehab since I have a 70% disability rating and was already enrolled in a program that would have led to—what was basically—my dream job within the IC, with full benefits, if only I could have graduated on time... A lot of time was invested towards scientific grant and fellowship applications that actually proved incredibly successful in being selected for awards and funding, but all of it needed to be forfeited due to the hold that the University’s Registrar refused to remove from my account, or because travel out of the country—or into East Asian countries—has largely been canceled for all awardees.
I’m a first-generation veteran (since WW1 anyway) and college graduate, so I have absolutely no clue where to go from here. The debt may be too normal of a problem for American college students these days, but suddenly facing an extremely heavy financial burden for something that I never had any control over—rather, “it” has controlled me for months now—feels so incredibly unfair right now, which is why I have come here to seek guidance. I’m sort of a mess now, too much of a mess to actually solve anything.
submitted by Back_like_Flint to Veterans [link] [comments]

2020.10.30 18:21 Rsubs33 [Game Preview] Week 8 - Philadelphia Eagles(2-4-1) vs Dallas Cowboys (2-5)

Philadelphia Eagles (2-4-1) vs Dallas Cowboys (2-5)
Sunday Night Football will host the most popular match in its history as the Dallas Cowboys will face off against the Philadelphia Eagles on Prime Time Sunday Night. It will be the 15th Sunday Night meeting between the clubs. The match up however is far from what it was on paper before the season started. Both teams are dealing with injuries all over the field with Dallas dealing with the biggest injury after losing Dak Prescott for the season with a fracture and dislocated ankle. The Cowboys will also be without Andy Dalton who is still in the league’s concussion protocol after an extremely dirty hit by Washington’s Jon Bostic last week. The Eagles are coming off their first division win and getting healthier as rookie WR Jalen Raegor will return to the lineup Sunday Night and give Wentz another speedy threat in the receiving corps just as he is finding rhyme with his other speedy rookie John Hightower. If Wentz can get the passing game, the Eagles should have no problem putting up points against the porous Dallas defense. Even if Eagles RB Miles Sanders can’t go, the Eagles should still be able to move the ball on the ground with Boston Scott and Corey Clement as the Cowboys have the last ranked run defense in the league giving up 178 yards per game on the ground. For Cowboys they will see what they have in 3rd string QB Ben DiNucci. Schwartz will most likely look to pressure the young QB and rattle him into making mistakes. However, if DiNucci can stand in there and avoid the pressure he still has a number of dangerous targets who have the ability to gash the Eagles defense which has been weak this season. The Eagles are heavily favored, but this is an NFCE matchup on a national stage, so we can most likely expect a sloppy game with turnovers that ends closer than it should. Go Birds!
General Information
Posting Rules and Guidelines
Remember to join us on Discord during the game!
New to the Eagles? Take a look at our New Fan Page!
Score Prediction Contest
Sunday, November 1st, 2020
Game Time Game Location
8:20 PM - Eastern Lincoln Financial Field
7:20 PM - Central 1020 Pattison Ave
6:20 PM - Mountain Philadelphia, PA 19148
5:20 PM - Pacific Wikipedia - Map
Weather Forecast
Stadium Type: Open Air
Surface: Grass
Temperature: 52°F
Feels Like: 52°F
Forecast: Light Rain. Rain in the afternoon and evening.
Chance of Precipitation: 67%
Cloud Coverage: 95%
Wind: East-Southeast 5 MPH
Betting Odds
Oddsshark Information
Favorite/Opening Line: Eagles -10
OveUnder: 43
Record VS. Spread: Philadelphia 2-5, Dallas 0-7
Where to Watch on TV
NBC will broadcast Sunday’s game to a national audience. Al Michaels will handle the play-by-play duties and Chris Collinsworth will attempt to provide analysis. Michele Tafoya will report from the sidelines.
TV Map - Week 8 TV Coverage Map
Radio Streams
List of Eagles Radio network member stations with internet broadcast availability 94.1 Desktop Streaming
Listen to Merrill Reese and Mike Quick
Calling the game on 94WIP and the Eagles Radio Network will be Merrill Reese, the NFL’s longest-tenured play-by-play announcer (44th season). Joining Reese in the radio booth will be former Eagles All-Pro wide receiver Mike Quick, while Howard Eskin will report from the sidelines.
Location Station Frequency
Philadelphia, PA WIP-FM 94.1 FM and 610 AM
Allentown, PA WCTO-FM 96.1 FM
Atlantic City/South Jersey WENJ-FM 97.3 FM
Levittown, PA WBCB-AM 1490 AM
Northumberland, PA WEGH-FM 107.3 FM
Pottsville, PA WPPA-AM 1360 AM
Reading, PA WEEU-AM 830 AM
Salisbury/Ocean City, MD WAFL-FM 97.7 FM
Wilkes-Barre/Scranton, PA WEJL-FM 96.1 FM
Salisbury/Ocean City, MD WAFL-FM 97.7 FM
Salisbury/Ocean City, MD WEJL-AM 630 AM
Salisbury/Ocean City, MD WBAX-AM 1240 AM
Williamsport, PA WBZD-FM 93.3 FM
Wilmington, DE WDEL-FM/AM 101.7 FM
York/LancasteHarrisburg, PA WSOX-FM 96.1 FM
Philadelphia Spanish Radio
Rickie Ricardo and Bill Kulik will handle the broadcast in Spanish on Mega 105.7 FM in Philadelphia and the Eagles Spanish Radio Network.
Location Station Frequency
Philadelphia, PA LA MEGA 105.7 FM
Allentown, PA WSAN 1470 AM
Atlantic City, NJ WIBG 1020 AM; 101.3 FM
Dallas Radio
Dallas Cowboys Radio Network Brad Sham returns for his 42nd season in the Dallas Cowboys radio booth. Beloved by Cowboys fans, Sham's award winning play-by-play has provided the soundtrack to many of the most memorable moments in Dallas Cowboys history. Babe Laufenberg returns as the Network's full-time color analyst. A fixture on the sideline, veteran reporter Kristi Scales provides instant updates from the field.
National Radio
Westwood One will broadcast the game nationally with Tom McCarthy handling the play by play and Ross Tucker will provide analysis.
Satellite Radio
Station Eagles Channel Cowboys Channel
Sirius Radio SIRI 83 (Streaming 825) SIRI 81 (Streaming 823)
XM Radio XM 225 (Streaming 825) XM 226 (Streaming 823)
Sirius XM Radio SXM 225 (Streaming 825) SXM 226 (Streaming 823)
Eagles Social Media Cowboys Social Media
Website Website
Facebook Facebook
Twitter Twitter
Instagram Instagram
Snapchat: Eagles Snapchat: cowboys
NFC East Standings
NFC EAST Record PCT Home Road Div Conf PF PA Net Pts Streak
Eagles 2-4-1 .357 1-2-1 1-2 1-1 2-2 163 196 -33 1w
Football Team 2-5 .286 2-2 0-3 2-1 1-3 133 165 -32 1W
Cowboys 2-5 .286 2-2 0-3 1-1 2-4 176 243 -67 2L
Giants 1-6 .143 1-2 0-4 1-2 1-5 122 174 -52 1L
Series Information
The Dallas Cowboys lead the Philadelphia Eagles (69-53)
Series History
Head to Head Box Scores
First Game Played
September 30th, 1960 at the Cotton Bowl in Dallas, TX. Dallas Cowboys 25 - Philadelphia Eagles 27
Points Leader
The Dallas Cowboys lead the Philadelphia Eagles (2650-2401)
Coaches Record
Doug Pederson: 3-5 against the Cowboys
Mike McCarthy: 4-1 against Eagles
Coaches Head to Head
Doug Pederson vs Mike McCarthy: McCarthy leads 1-0
Quarterback Record
Carson Wentz: Against Cowboys: 2-4
Ben NiDucci: Against Eagles: 0-0
Quarterbacks Head to Head
Carson Wentz vs Ben NiDucci: First Meeting
Records per Stadium
Record @ Lincoln Financial Field: Cowboys lead the Eagles: 10-7
Record @ AT&T Stadium: Series tied: 6-6
Rankings and Last Meeting Information
AP Pro 32 Ranking
Eagles No. 21 - Cowboys No. 29
Eagles: 2-4-1
Cowboys: 2-5
Last Meeting
Sunday, December 29th, 2019
Eagles 17 - Cowboys 9
This was the game Wentz needed to win, his spirit growing after the Eagles rallied on the final drive in two straight weeks to beat the Giants and Redskins and thrust themselves back into the playoff picture. He rallied the Eagles with a pep talk in the tunnel before they hit the field for perhaps the biggest game of the 26-year-old QB's career. Perhaps fueled by the emotional edict, Wentz came out connecting on almost every pass, and a maligned wide receiver group that suffered a season-long case of the drops suddenly made plays. The Eagles took a 17-3 lead when Wentz hit former college quarterback Greg Ward for 24 yards and Miles Sanders scored on a 1-yard run on the final play of the third quarter for a 17-3 lead. Dak Prescott and the Cowboys fought back and Dak had the Cowboys in position to tie the game when Sidney Jones broke up Dak’s 4th down pass to Michael Gallup and Jerry Jones exited the box with 1:15 on the clock as the Eagles prevented Dallas from clinching the division with the win.
Click here to view the Video Recap
Last 10 Meetings
Date Winner Loser Score
12/22/2019 Eagles Cowboys 17-9
10/20/2019 Cowboys Eagles 37-10
12/9/2018 Cowboys Eagles 29-23
11/11/2018 Cowboys Eagles 27-20
12/31/2017 Cowboys Eagles 6-0
11/19/2017 Eagles Cowboys 37-9
1/1/2017 Eagles Cowboys 27-13
10/30/2016 Cowboys Eagles 29-23
11/8/2015 Eagles Cowboys 33-27
9/20/2015 Cowboys Eagles 20-10
Injury Reports Depth Charts
Eagles Eagles
Cowboys Cowboys
2020 “Expert” Picks
Week 8 - "Expert" Picks
2020 Team Stats
Eagles Season Stats
Giants Season Stats
2020 Stats (Starters/Leaders)
Wentz 163 278 58.6% 1760 10 10 74.3
Prescott 151 222 68.0% 1856 9 4 99.6
DiNucci 2 3 66.6% 39 0 0 109.7
Sanders 71 434 86.5 6.1 3
Elliott 113 458 65.4 4.1 5
Fulgham 23 357 89.3 15.5 3
Cooper 53 583 83.3 11.0 2
Name Sacks Team Total
Graham 6.0 24
Smith 4.0 13
Name Total Solo Assist Sacks
Gerry 57 32 25 1.0
Smith 75 39 36 0.5
Name Ints Team Total
Singleton/McLeod/Mills 1 3
Awuzie 1 1
Johnston 32 1630 66 50.9 45.3 12 2 0
Jones 21 905 54 43.1 41.4 5 1 0
Elliot 12 8 66.7% 54 11/11
Zuerlein 12 10 83.3% 46 14/16
Kick Returns
Scott 9 167 18.6 25 0
Pollard 17 394 23.2 67 0
Punt Returns
Ward 9 50 5.6 11 0 11
Lamb 12 85 7.1 27 0 4
League Rankings 2020
Offense Rankings
Category Eagles Stat Eagles Rank Cowboys Stat Cowboys Rank
Total Offense 345.4 25th 418.0 3rd
Rush Offense 188.6 15th 101.9 24th
Pass Offense 226.9 24th 316.1 1st
Points Per Game 23.3 T-23rd 25.1T-18th
3rd-Down Offense 43.4% 15th 42.5% 17th
4th-Down Offense 36.4% 26th 53.9% 22nd
Red Zone Offense (TD%) 60.9% T-20 60.9% T-20th
Defense Rankings
Category Eagles Stat Eagles Rank Cowboys Stat Cowboys Rank
Total Defense 350.9 12th 408.1 27th
Rush Defense 130.4 24th 178.3 32nd
Pass Defense 220.4 7th 229.9 12th
Points Per Game 28.0 2nd 34.7 32nd
3rd-Down Defense 42.1% 19th 50.5% 27th
4th-Down Defense 50.0% T-12th 83.3% 28th
Red Zone Defense (TD%) 75.0% 29th 64.3% 16th
Category Eagles Stat Eagles Rank Cowboys Stat Cowboys Rank
Turnover Diff. -5 T-28th -13 32nd
Penalties/Game 5.7 T-16th 6.4 T-24th
Penalty Yards/Game 45.3 16th 51.3 20th
Recap from Last Week’s Games.
Eagles - The Eagles faced off against the division rival Giants who were coming off their first win of the season and were looking for a 2nd for first year coach Joe Judge. The Eagles have moved to 2-4-1 on the season after rallying to defeat the New York Giants on Thursday Night Football, 22-21. After New York gave its best punch of the night -- a 97-yard touchdown drive headlined by Daniel Jones -- to go up 21-10 with just over six minutes to play, Philadelphia scored 12 unanswered points to earn the win. Carson Wentz led a 71-yard touchdown drive to give the Eagles the lead with just 40 seconds to play after connecting with running back Boston Scott on an 18-yard reception. Along with the comeback, he finished his night with 359 yards passing, two touchdowns and one interception while completing passes to eight different Eagles receivers. He also ran for 15 yards and a touchdown. As for the Giants, they mustered just 325 yards of offense and struggle to protect Daniel Jones throughout the contest
Cowboys - The situation went from bad to worse for the Cowboys, who had no answers for Washington's defense. After a goal-line stand on Washington's opening drive, a strip sack by Landon Collins on Andy Dalton led to an early Washington safety. Washington then marched down the field, extending their lead to 9-0 on a 12-yard touchdown run by Antonio Gibson. The Cowboys responded with their only points of the afternoon on a Greg Zuerlein field goal. However, Washington would score two more touchdowns in the second quarter to put the game out of reach for Dallas. With this loss, Dallas dropped to 2-5 on the season. Quarterback Andy Dalton would leave the game in the third quarter following a late hit by Washington linebacker Jon Bostic, who was subsequently ejected. Rookie quarterback Ben DiNucci would finish the game in place of Dalton, who was evaluated for a concussion.
Eagles S Jalen Mills was born in Dallas and grew up in DeSoto, TX and went to Desoto High School.
Cowboys DB Coach *Al Harris * played 5 seasons for the Eagles from 1998-2002.
Cowboys DT Justin Hamilton played one season for the Eagles in 2017.
Cowboys Assistant Director of Video Stephen Gagliardino began his NFL career in 1995 as a ball boy with the Philadelphia Eagles when he was 16 years old, working training camp and game days at Veterans Stadium. He did that for four seasons before moving over to the Eagles video department in 1999, where he worked full time as an intern for three seasons (1999-2001).
Many Cowboys fans were born and raised in the Greater Philadelphia Area, however have no ties to Dallas nor have ever been to the city.
Eagles DT Fletcher Cox and Cowboys QB Dak Prescott played together at Mississippi State University when Prescott was a red shirt freshman.
Eagles OT Lane Johnson is from Groveton, TX and has family who are Cowboys fans including his grandmother who was told “Shut up, if you want to see 75” while she was rooting for the Cowboys.
2020 Pro Bowlers
Eagles Cowboys
DT Fletcher Cox (Starter) OT Tyron Smith (starter)
OG Brandon Brooks (Starter) RB Ezekiel Elliott
TE Zach Ertz G Zack Martin (starter)
C Jason Kelce (Starter) C Travis Fredrick
LS Rick Lavato (Starter) LB Jalen Smith (1st Alt)
SS Malcom Jenkings (1st Alt) WR Amari Cooper (1st Alt)
OT Lane Johnson (1st Alt
Referee: Jerome Boger
Philadelphia hosts Dallas for the first time since Week 16 of the 2019 season, when the Eagles defeated the Cowboys, 17-9.
Carson Wentz is tied for the 5th-most offensive TDs (10) in the NFL since Week 4, trailing only Tom Brady (13), Kyler Murray (12), Deshaun Watson (11) and Justin Herbert (11).
In 7 games against the Cowboys, Wentz has completed 174-of-255 attempts (68.2%) for 1,713 yards (244.7 ypg), 12 TDs, 2 INTs and a 99.4 rating (100+ rating in 3 of last 4 games vs. Dallas).
Travis Fulgham ranks 2nd among NFL WRs with 357 receiving yards since Week 4 (when he was promoted from the practice squad to the Eagles active roster), behind Robby Anderson (362). Fulgham’s 357 yards are the most by any player in their first 4 games as an Eagle since Terrell Owens in 2004 (364).
Brandon Graham is tied for the 3rd-most sacks in the NFL (6.0), trailing only Myles Garrett (9.0) and Aaron Donald (8.0). Graham ranks 3rd with 9 TFLs, behind T.J. Watt (12) and Vince Williams (12). He is the only NFL player with 6.0+ sacks and 9+ TFLs.
Draft Picks
Eagles Cowboys
WR Jalen Raegor WR CeeDee Lamb
QB Jalen Hurts CB Trevon Diggs
LB Davion Taylor DT Neville Gallimore
S K’Von Wallace CB Reggie Robinson II
OT Jack Driscoll C Tyler Biadasz
WR John Hightower DE Bradlee Anae
LB Shaun Bradley QB Ben DiNucci
WR Quez Watkins
OT Prince Tega Wanogho
LB/DE Casey Toohill
Notable Off-season Additions
Eagles Cowboys
S Will Parks QB Andy Dalton
DT Javon Hargrave TE Blake Bell
CB Nickell Robey-Coleman OT Cameron Erving
CB Darius Slay DE Aldon Smith
CB Maurice Canady
K Greg Zuerlein
Notable Off-season Departures
Eagles Cowboys
S Malcom Jenkins WR Tavon Austin
CB Ronald Darby WR Randall Cobb
RB Jordan Howard WR Devin Smith
WR Nelson Agholor TE Jason Witten
OL Halapoulivaati Vaitai OL Cameron Fleming
LB Kamu Grugler-Hill C Travis Fredrick
RB Darren Sproles DE Michael Bennett
DT Timmy Jernigan DE Kerry Hyder
LB Nigel Bradham DE Robert Quinn
DT Maliek Collins
DT Christian Covington
DT Daniel Ross
CB Byron Jones
S Jeff Heath
K Kai Forbath
Eagles QB Carson Wentz (15951) needs 49 yards to reach 16000 passing yards.
Eagles QB Carson Wentz (970) needs 30 yards for 1000 career rushing yards.
Eagles DT Fletcher Cox (49.5) needs 1 sack to move up to 6th on the Eagles all-time sack list tying DE Greg Brown
Eagles DE Vinny Curry (27.5) needs 2 sacks to move up to 18th on the Eagles all-time sack list tying DT Jerome Brown
Stats to Know
Gingers Under Pressure
Everybody knows there are some fantastical magical forces at play when it comes to redheads. They are a curious bunch. This week, we were almost set to witness the Battle of the Gingers in a matchup of piss-poor teams. Surely, the two were going to be under immense pressure to assert himself as the Supreme Ginger...and thus, we will be discussing the two under pressure, even though Andy is surely going to miss this coming game after a dirty hit to the head against the WFT. In 2020, a season demolishing both Dallas's and Philadelphia's Offensive Lines, not a single other NFL QB has been under pressure as much as Mr. Wentz (118 pressure dropbacks). His pressured dropback % is at least slightly better (36.9%), good for 9th-highest. He's also experienced the 6th-highest sack rate (23.7% of pressured dropbacks resulted in sacks) and the 7th-lowest Completion % when pressured (40.0%), 12th-lowest NFL Rating when pressured (51.0%), and 9th-lowest Adjusted Completion % (59.7%). Meanwhile, Sir Dalton in limited snaps thus far has done something spectacular - he has a 100.00% Adjusted Completion % when under pressure (8 completions on 17 attempts and 72 pressure dropbacks), which PFF defines as the % of aimed passes thrown on target (completions + drops / aimed). 8 completions for 58 yards and 1 TD, spectacular! While all 4 NFCE teams' Offensive Lines feature in the top-10 league wide for most pressures allowed, at least Dallas's per-snap Pass Block Efficiency rating is borderline top third, while the Eagles are 2nd-worst in both metrics. And here enters QB Ben DiNucci. Good luck. The question of Ginger Supremacy will have to wait for another day.
Matchups to Watch
Eagles Defensive Line vs what is left of the Cowboys Offensive line
This has been one of the premier matchups in football over the last few seasons, however it is a shell of what it once was due to injuries. The last few years the Cowboys had one of the best offensive lines in football, but they lost one of their best players in the offseason when Travis Fredrick retired for health reasons after missing 2018 with Guillain-Barré syndrome and returning to play last year. His replacement Joe Looney is currently on the IR and could return this week, though a more likely return date for him is week 9. The Cowboys are also missing starting RT La’el Collins who started the season on the IR for his hip, but later needed season ending surgery and All-Pro Tyron Smith recently underwent season ending neck surgery. Smith’s replacement Brandon Knight recently underwent arthroscopic knee surgery and landed on the IR. The Eagles DL which has been one of the strengths of the team this season should feast. Brandon Graham, who is tied for 3rd in the league with 6 sacks, is currently slated to go up against an undrafted rookie and Fletcher Cox is slated to go up against a rookie 4th round pick. This is one of the best DLs in the league vs one of the worst OLs. The Eagles DL need to take advantage of this matchup and pressure rookie QB Ben DiNucci into making mistakes.
Darius Slay vs Amari Cooper
These games are the reason the Eagles went out and acquired Slay this offseason. In four games since Amari Cooper has arrived in Dallas he has torched the Eagles secondary with 25 catches for 422 yards and 5 TDs. According to Mike Clay, Slay and Cooper have faced off twice before while Slay was in Detriot, first in 2015 where Slay covered Cooper on 20 of 27 routes limiting Cooper to 0 catches on 3 targets in the game. Slay faced Cooper against last season where he shadowed Cooper on 26 of his 30 routes limiting him to 3 catches on 8 targets for 38 yards. Both players are having great seasons as Cooper is on pace for 1300 yards, though most of those were with Dak Prescott in the lineup and Slay has been as advertised shutdown opposing number 1s on a weekly basis. If Slay can shut down Cooper it will limit DiNucci’s to Gallup and Lamb who are both also extremely explosive, but taking away one of those weapons for the rookie QB will be huge and could force him into mistakes on plays where Cooper is the first read.
Eagles Rushing Attack vs the Dallas “run defense”
Unfortunately for the Eagles, it looks like Miles Sanders will miss his second straight week with a sprained MCL, which I am sure he is bummed about because he could have had a huge day vs a run defense ranked dead last giving up 178.3 yards a game. Last week the Redskins had more rushing yards in the first half than they have all season vs Dallas and Redskins RB Antonio Gibson had a career day. With Sanders out the Eagles will rely on RBs Boston Scott and Corey Clement who have not had the same success as Sanders on the ground this season. Clement has not been the same since an injury in 2018 which caused him to miss most the season and the 5’8 Scott is more of a change of pace back, but both have speed and can catch the ball out of the backfield. If the Eagles get the run game going, I don’t see Dallas being able to stop this offense as the running game will set up play-action-pass and RPOs which have caused the Dallas secondary to bite this season and allow for big plays. This could be especially dangerous with the return of Jalen Raegor who can fly. Raegor who is always dangerous with the ball in his hands may see a couple of runs himself on a jet sweep or a toss play.
Special thanks abenyishay for his help in creating this Game Preview.
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2020.10.30 18:06 LichenTheRock 23 [M4R] Charlottesville-Harrisonburg, VA/Anywhere - Two for one road trip tomorrow!

Why is it a two for one road trip you ask? Easy, I'm getting donuts early in the morning and then driving through one of my favorite places in the US. (And I've been through A LOT of the US) The only dilemma I face is whether or not to get the donuts first, or after.
See, donuts first means they could slide around in the car and get messed up. I'd also be tempted to eat them, but I don't do food inside the car. After means the good donuts could be gone, but I'll probably be hungry. Fudge.... No not fudge donuts. Fudge I can't make a decision.
Anyway, just looking for some local friends. I'm in the Cville and Hburg areas quite often. Once the pandemic ends I'll probably be spending some time in Richmond and NOVA as well. Moved back from the west coast this summer and I don't really know many people here.
Some of my interests include cars, rock climbing, hiking, video and board games, DnD, beer and liquor (not IPAs), and baseball. I know right now is a horrible time because of fall/winter weather and rising COVID rates, but I figured I should try reaching out to start. Socially distanced and masked, or internet only activities would be great.
I usually get along with people in the 26 - 32 age range, but I'm genuinely ok with anyone as long as they are mature and chill. Anyway, shoot me a PM if you think you might like to talk. Please include an intro or something about yourself, a single "Hello" doesn't inspire me to respond when I've put effort into a post so that you can make a judgement.
IF you're a female and looking more for possible relationship/dating, I made another post that focuses on that specifically. So if this post caught your attention, give that other one a peruse if you so desire.
submitted by LichenTheRock to r4r [link] [comments]

2020.10.30 10:10 Extra_Armadillo_1611 moscow-brides

Online dating websites have different rules that need to be applied as opposed to traditional dating. Some of the techniques that can yield great results on a traditional date do not work in the online world russian mail order brides. With a little knowledge, single men and women can set themselves up for success when using singles dating sites.
Sarcasm Can Kill When Dating on the Internet
Making someone laugh and showing a sense of humor is very important when dating. However, sarcasm can be difficult to distinguish in an email, and the person reading the email may not be able to spot the attempt at humor, and think an odd statement may have been written in a serious manner.
Until there has been several communications through the online dating website and the two people get to know each other a little better hold off on the sarcasm. One statement taken the wrong way can potentially end the process of getting to know someone.
submitted by Extra_Armadillo_1611 to u/Extra_Armadillo_1611 [link] [comments]

2020.10.30 08:39 iqbalsn G14 knocking my wifi router off

Hello everyone,
I just bought my Zephyrus G14 couple days ago. its the August manufacturing date, 4900 ryzen variant.
When i got it, obviously the first thing i did was update everything that myAsus told me to and everything was fine and all good without a hitch. When i tested everything again later in the evening, i had some problem with my internet connection. I can see that my G14 lost the connection (from wifi signal symbol changed to globe symbol). I thought this is the G14 problem but when i checked my phone and my work laptop that were connected to the same router, they lost the connection as well.
This happened again yesterday also when i used the G14. The router is fine all this time. I had used it for PS4, work laptop, phone, ipad, everything was fine. But connected to the G14 and somehow it booted every single device out.
Problem is, i cant replicate the situation. It only happened when the G14 connected, yes, but there is no fixed time interval or spesific action that triggers it.
Router is D-Link DIR 612, mode set at 802.11/b/g/n, band width at auto 20/40M. When i updated the wireless driver for G14 it picked up the non intel one as the latest version.
I greatly appreciate any help on this. Thanks!
submitted by iqbalsn to ZephyrusG14 [link] [comments]

2020.10.30 08:28 anonymouse_2001 AMA on r/India: Arushi Garg (lecturer in criminal law at the University of Sheffield) & Riya Singh (part of core leadership group in India's single and largest Dalit women-led collective, Dalit Women Fight). The AMA will be about ongoing criminal reform process in India. 30th Oct, Today, 6 PM IST

EDIT: The AMA is LIVE! You can ask your questions here -- (Replace np with www)
Hello librandu, we are going to have an AMA with Arushi Garg (lecturer in criminal law at the University of Sheffield) & Riya Singh (part of core leadership group in India's single and largest Dalit women-led collective, Dalit Women Fight). The AMA will be hosted on India. I checked with lib-mods and they said it is okay to publicise the AMA in this sub. The following text was sent to us by the AMA guests.
This AMA will be about the ongoing criminal reform process in India. This process essentially involves the overhaul of the ENTIRE criminal justice system - including substantive, procedural and evidentiary laws - but is being completed in just six months in the middle of a pandemic. We should all be very worried about this. Criminal laws define what we can and cannot do without fear of punishment. The best example of this is the recently read down Section 377 of the Indian Penal Code which criminalised same sex relations for centuries. Criminal laws also decide when the police can arrest you, how they treat you during detention and against what standards your guilt or innocence is measured in court. For example, in recognition of the pervasiveness of torture in Indian jails, confessions made to a police officer are usually not admissible in a court of law. This might change following the current reform exercise. Some of us are especially sceptical given that the Home Minister, in one of his earliest announcements about this process, upheld the UP Government as a progressive symbol of ‘law order.’ We have all seen how much the UP government cares about law and order in the recent Hathras horror, and in several other incidents.
To make things worse, the process is being carried out in the most opaque and exclusionary manner. The reform Committee’s processes are a big departure from how law reform is usually carried out in India and internationally. For example, the Committee’s entire business is being conducted only online, and only in English. Note that only about 36% of the country actively uses the internet (not even going into levels of internet literacy here…) and most estimates suggest that only about six to ten percent of the country speaks English as a first, second or third language. As far as we know all the Committee’s members are upper caste Hindu, straight, non-disabled, middle to upper class, cisgender men. Perhaps this partly explains why they are operating according to processes which most marginalised people in India don’t have access to. The Committee’s composition and operation has also raised concerns that they will not give due importance to the experience of marginalised groups in its deliberations. This is a crucial point because criminal laws are over-enforced over oppressed groups, who remain simultaneously under-protected from victimisation by the state as well as by third parties.
You can read more about the concerns here, including in several local Indian languages:
Please consider writing to your MP, Home Minister and Committee, demanding that they terminate this process immediately using this link:
You can spread the word by distributing these leaflets in your neighbourhood:

About the guests:

Arushi Garg is a lecturer in criminal law at the University of Sheffield. Her current research project involves an analysis of rape prosecutions in Delhi, drawing upon trial court judgments, court observation and interviews with victims, lawyers, judges and victim support-persons. She has completed the DPhil, MPhil and BCL (LLM equivalent) from the University of Oxford, supported by the Rhodes Trust. She completed her undergraduate education from NALSAR University of Law, Hyderabad.
Riya Singh is a part of Core Leadership Group in India's single and largest dalit women-led collective, Dalit Women Fight. She works on ground with the survivors of caste atrocities of dalit community in five states of northern India. She has been dealing with cases of atrocities and supporting the survivors with legal aid & actively participates in national & international advocacy with respect to the implementation of the legal provisions meant for the Scheduled Castes. She is also a PhD scholar in Gender Studies at Ambedkar University Delhi and her research area is Atrocities and the Scheduled Castes - Scheduled Tribes (Prevention of Atrocities) Act. Her research is based on atrocity cases, analysis of the legislation and the public failure of understanding the legislation. She has been awarded with a Doctoral Fellowship by the Indian Council for Social Science Research.

Date & Time:

The AMA will be hosted on 30th Oct 2020 (Friday), 6 PM IST. We hope this will be an informative and lively conversation. See you there!
I copy pasted the text from the announcement thread from India.
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2020.10.30 06:45 sarahccino friend’s bf screamed at me

(trigger warning of sexual talk) (mobile formatting)
My friend (27 F) and I (26F) play an MMO (online multiplayer game). She likes to role play both family-friendly and sexual meetings with strangers, but ONLY as her character’s avatar. Never as her real self.
One day, this guy (?? M) hit on me in game. I politely told him I was not interested, but that my friend was lonely and wouldn’t mind a respectful date. He spent the night talking to her.
A few weeks later, the guy who is still an internet stranger asks my friend for sexual role play. At some point, he demanded her to “touch herself irl.” She got upset and told him that she does not do this kind of thing outside of the game. She came to me crying that she felt violated, and I took her side sympathizing.
The next day, she told me she talked to this guy and forgave him after he apologized. She told me he “doesn’t understand boundaries” and “his character that he’s playing can be flirtatious.” It sounded like poor excuses to me. I said she is an adult and can make her own choices if she wants to be his friend, but to be careful.
Over the past few months, she is with him almost daily and they are dating. I stayed out of it as it is not my business, and I want her to be happy.
HOWEVER, I heard from half a dozen people from different friend circles that this guy is bad news. He stalks women. He is pushy about flirting and sex. I told my friend. In the past she was of the stance to believe victims. This time she said “But he has never tried anything with me since he apologized.”
Today I confronted her again, saying I am seriously concerned. She suggested that I talk to the guy to hear his side of the story. I agreed since I did not want to blindly blame.
We three get in a call. He asks me what kinds of rumors he’s heard. I quote the stories I’ve been told word for word. He claims every single one is “bllsht” and that these are people he knows so they’re obviously “two-faced.” He’s screaming at me the entire time in anger, even though I am the messenger and I calmly answered his question of what the allegations were.
I told him that I understand rumors can be frustrating, but does he have any idea why numerous people have accused him of things? He claims he has no idea and that those people are simply “toxic.” He took no responsibility.
He then proceeded to insult my friend group saying I must hang out with people who are too soft, need to get over things, and can’t take a joke. He also lied, stating he only plays the game to be with his girlfriend and never talks to anyone else, but I have seen him with my own eyes talking to others (mostly girls).
My friend has been in abusive relationships before. I am afraid she will be in another one now, more serious than before, as this time she does not believe what I say even if she understands where I am coming from. She claims he is too kind to do such things. I don’t get how she thinks that when he tried to demand something sexual of her irl without asking first.
What can I do? I hate seeing this guy everywhere. I am scared.
submitted by sarahccino to offmychest [link] [comments]

2020.10.30 05:17 HolderPink Top 10 Logitech wireless keyboards 2020 & 2021 (The Best Ones)

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submitted by HolderPink to techbeyond2020 [link] [comments]

2020.10.30 00:15 Kyzrati Cogmind Beta 10.2 "Forbidden Lore: Cogmind the ARG"

Forbidden Lore: Cogmind the ARG
It's a special event for Halloween, and more!
Starting today and for the entire next month, playing Cogmind automatically enters a new mode built as part of a Cogmind/roguelike/tech-themed ARG. Unlike previous special modes, this one doesn't actually make sweeping gameplay changes, but instead challenges you to hunt for clues with help from, scouring the game and internet for passwords to special lore. More on that later...
As you'll see in the changelog, this release is clearly much bigger than just the event, scoping larger than planned as I started early on work to make some of the balance adjustments scheduled for Beta 11. There is still a lot more to come on that front, but a few items were either more urgent, or just things I felt like prioritizing a bit to see how they pan out as considerations regarding the bigger areas of the upcoming rebalance continue to get hashed out on Discord and the GSG forums.
Beta 10.2 also includes a bit of new content, but I'll be leaving that for players to discover.

Cogmind Beta 10.2 "Forbidden Lore: Cogmind the ARG" (201030) changelog:

(I didn't highlight "more important" entries in the changelog like I normally do, since the vast majority were being highlighted anyway when I went to do that :P)
Saves from earlier versions are incompatible with Beta 10.2, but even if you're on Steam and Cogmind automatically updates, Beta 10/10.1 is still available via its own legacy branch and you can roll back to finish a run in progress first if you like.
As with any other release, I might do quick unannounced hotfixes in the coming hours or days if players discovereport something new and urgent (the chance is somewhat higher with 10.2 because this release went without the usual prerelease playtesting by Patrons to keep it a surprise for everyone). We now have an even more specific version check system based on build number, so if you're playing and have the News feature active, it'll remind when you're playing without the most recent hotfix.

Let the ARG Begin!

Cogmind is pretty big on lore, creating a deeper world with its various factions, NPCs, and the stories they share. And there's so much more room out there! In the lore you can already find references to pieces of the world which don't currently exist, some of them likely to happen one day (some of them guaranteed :P), but reliable information is spotty. This Halloween event will fill a few gaps and also give glimpses of other locations and inhabitants of Tau Ceti IV.
Starting from the event's home page, at the bottom you'll see your first hint. Hints suggest where in the game world you'll find either a password or another clue as to how to obtain the password, and with that password you can follow the link on the event page to the next level, which will also reward you with FORBIDDEN LORE (and usually a bit of art to go with it). For simplicity the username at every level is always simply "cogmind", it's the password that will be unique each time and that's what you'll have to figure out. In-game clues can take a variety of forms, but are always presented as some sort of text, be it NPC dialogue, a special announcement, etc.
Although I know at least a few people who could definitely complete this entire challenge on their own, not everyone will be capable of figuring out every step alone. Don't be afraid to ask the community for tips or additional hints along the way at various levels where you need it. I'm sure there'll be plenty of discussion and help available on the Discord.
Working together with others to solve the mysteries would also make it easier to rise through the levels more quickly, since multiple runs will be required to follow every hint. I suggest using a new password on the site immediately after discovering it, in case the next hint is somewhere still within reach in your current run, in order to achieve it more quickly.
This being an ARG, most of the passwords are actually found outside the game itself.
Good luck :)

ARG Addendum

Shout out to PlasticHeart for putting together the CogFont based on fonts developed for the game, which came in quite handy when making the event website :D
Forbidden Lore mode will automatically activate for you on new runs started on or after 10/29 (through November), if you've played at least 10 runs before.
If you want to play beyond the end of the event, or regardless of your run count, you can still force it by adding a command line parameter when running COGMIND.EXE: "-forceMode:ForbiddenLore". Within Steam this is handled by going to Cogmind > Properties > Set Launch Options, like this example from Player2 mode earlier this year.
(Note that although the event mode will be accessible after the period is over, and likely also in future versions, but I can't 100% guarantee that it will be fully completable forever since, as an ARG, advancing relies on the presence of information found outside the game, elsewhere on the internet.)
If you want to play a regular run during the event, you can suppress date-based event triggering by adding the "-noSpecialMode" command line parameter.
If the event mode is active, you'll see a notice in your message log on startup.
*(though again this mode doesn't really affect much in the way of gameplay, even though runs in this mode will technically go to a separate leaderboard)


Beta 10.2 includes a fair number of nerfs, and the changelog itself isn't nearly as balanced as I like to keep it (an equal helping of both buffs and nerfs/new features is best), but we'll be getting plenty more buffs and fun stuff to play with in Beta 11, and in this release I just took advantage of the opportunity to prioritize responding to areas the community has been cheesing the hardest by moving up planned changes, or just increasing the overall challenge level of various parts of the game.
Also a number of the nerfed bits here were intentionally introduced as OP features with the intention of tweaking them after seeing how they were used.
On that note, against the trend there is a new potentially OP weapon you might be able to get your hands on ;)
To address some of the biggest changes here...
All those easily-hackable single-tile door terminals that were a major security liability for 0b10 are a thing of the past. They now do nothing more than open their door, as opposed to providing one after another weak backdoor into the mapwide system :P (i.e., no indirect hacks there). All such terminals now also have unique names so they're even more recognizable at a distance, the majority simply being called "Door Terminal," although this change also applies to the other instances of special-purpose terminals that control something nearby.
Prior to now, with assistance from door terminals a good hacker could very easily end up with far more terminal resources than they could reasonably need and exhaust, especially in certain branches with lots of blast doors. Now instead of simply running out of hacking target ideas, these builds may in some cases have to be a little more selective, or in some cases have a (slightly? xD) harder time getting access to a suitable Terminal on short notice.
This change does also negatively impact builds that could only effectively use low-level Terminals to begin with, but those builds have had numerous buffs over previous releases to begin with.
Another change related mostly to flight-hack builds is that alert is now also raised when enemies lose track of you! The primary hostile interaction for gaining alert has traditionally been through destruction, but if you're zipping all over the place frequently attracting attention then slipping away it makes sense that the Complex should respond to that, too.
I'm really interested to see the results of this change, which could add a bit of pressure to flight runs and make stealth approaches that much more enticing rather than simply outrunning everything but then safely remaining on the same map. The amount of alert involved here might be further tweaked, but we'll see how it pans out in the current release first.
Also the current result of high alert accrued via this method will be assault dispatches, as usual, but the response will be different in future versions--I just haven't gotten to that point and added this bit first.
Programmer allies were nerfed by making them unable to hack if disarmed, a sad loss because it was quite fun to have a disarmed hacker friend literally owning everything, when it happens naturally, but players were starting to intentionally create these OP allies so that behavior had to be removed and put them on par with hostile Programmers.
Master Thieves got a pretty significant overhaul. They've been in the game for a while now but no one was really taking advantage of them until much more recently. Even more changes are probably in order, but the related mechanics are no longer quite so abusable.
A range of individual parts were adjusted as per the changelog, mostly nerfs of various degrees, although you've also got single-slot Terrabombs now, which will make those a lot more enticing (technically that and a few other items on the list were modified as part of silent post-release 10.1 updates, but are included in the changelog this time around since they were otherwise not recorded or announced here).
There's not a ton of QoL like we usually have each release, but I did add Escape key support for recentering on Cogmind while cycling through multiple drone views with Enter:


Cogminder aoemica has built a wonderful tool, dubbed Cog-Minder, a very convenient site to filter and search through Cogmind's many items.
Notice the Spoiler button there which can be toggled on to include everything, even uniques and other special parts you'll only find in mid-/late-game branches or the extended game. You can leave that off if you're just starting out and want an unspoiled experience but would like to examine "regular" parts.
Over on my Twitch channel I streamed my first Beta 10 run, a hover run that eventually went on to obtain one of the new endings.
That's the first of five videos, a looooong run because 1) it hit a ton of locations and 2) there was a lot of discussion along the way :P. (More recently on the channel I'm trying out the space roguelike Prospector, which is pretty cool.)
Starting this week over on Patreon we're also voting for secondary QoL features that patrons want to prioritize for Beta 11, so the results from that should probably be known by the time the next announcement comes around.
We know what happened after a good year or more of players joking about the possibility of "Combat Swarmers" (TRACKERS!). Well, the long-running joke that followed that is "Combat Recyclers." Hmm...
submitted by Kyzrati to Cogmind [link] [comments]

2020.10.29 23:03 AadamAtomic "You know what’s even harder to find than emails or Hunter’s laptop?"

A ‘Comp Card’ from Melania’s ‘Modeling Days. Oddly she is the only former NYC model without a single comp card anywhere in existence. Almost makes you think her job was really something else...
A comp card will have at least one full-body shot. Back before the Internet, this was the only way models could be submitted for work.
Which is why Melania's non-existent Comp cards are strange. We, nor anyone has ever seen one.
Models are constantly refreshing and updating their book as they get work. The better pictures become a new comp card. You are being hired because of your looks.
Also, no professional shoots of any kind. We have tons of early pictures of any model of her generation, even if you were only a second-tier catalogue model. Again, if your life is your image, you keep careful track of it.
The next time she's working, it's because she's dating some old guy in New York and she's sort of famous. There are literally no pictures of her work.
"But what about the nude ones with the girl?"
Yeah, that's not modeling the way she tries to present herself.
Which brings me to my point, which I am going to present very, very delicately.
There's a decade she can't account for.
There's are nude pictures featuring implants which, besides being shoddy work, make her too big for top-level fashion modeling.
Is the First lady A Mail-order bride?
TLDR; Models are constantly refreshing and updating their portfolio as they get work. Melania's "portfolio" is non existant and she may have been a "Gift" or puchased bride.
submitted by AadamAtomic to conspiracy [link] [comments]

2020.10.29 19:24 sidequesting Wanting to catch up with old friends, but not wanting to catch up with old friends

So lately, after doing a rewatch of Scrubs, I’ve been listening to the podcast Fake Doctors, Real Friends with Zach Braff and Donald Faison and just been really enjoying their banter with other cast and crew members. It’s so clear how much they all love each other and how easily the conversation flows between them and it makes me want to be a part of it.
So I got to thinking about how fun it could be to catch up with the groups I’d get along with from my old job or from school or wherever and try to rekindle old memories and jokes etc.
But then I remember the situation I’m in and that people would ask how my job is going and what I’m getting up to these days and it would ruin it. I recently got fired because I’d gone off sick with depression too much. I’m out of work and facing the prospect of losing my home. I’m single. No, I haven’t dated anyone. No, I haven’t been up to anything this year. I’ve spent far more time in bed or on my sofa than anywhere else. No, I haven’t picked up any new hobbies. My main activities have been sleeping, watching tv and browsing the internet. I have nothing interesting to contribute to those conversations and it’s awkward and embarrassing.
So, I miss these people, but there’s probably nothing to gain by getting back in touch other than interrupting their lives and making them feel awkward.
Anyone else feel this way?
submitted by sidequesting to depression [link] [comments]

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submitted by JamieHarvey987 to u/JamieHarvey987 [link] [comments]

2020.10.29 15:50 YouDontKnow818 You Will Never Know

[warning: if you feel strongly about baby rights, you can skip my post. You will not like what you read. I really don’t want advice please.]
I need to get this off my chest. Even if it’s anonymously.
You will never know that June 20th-23rd I never got my period. But maybe I was really stressed right? I lost my job, we broke up, but now we were doing whatever this was, I was waiting anxiously for the state to certify me so I could apply for jobs. And you had been all over the place with me lately. Asking me to come over every night to not talking to me for days. You blew me off for our date night the 24th. The 26th you called me and told me you were putting “pause” on us. Your mental health was spiraling. You were drunk or tipsy every time you reached out to me and you were going on dates with other girls and kept giving me push back when I asked to go out in public instead of coming over to the apartment. So I waited. July 18th-21st had come and gone and no period. So I had to take a test. And of course. In the 8 years we were actually together as a couple and we had a plan if this were to ever happen, it never happened. But now. God why now ? You said I would hear from you in a few weeks. I was supposed to hear from you any day. But you never called. And a few weeks became a month, then a month and a half, then 7 weeks later at 11:30pm, drunk, you call. So much for taking that time to work on the drinking, huh? I didn’t know if I was going to tell you. I wanted to feel this out. And I was disappointed. Not that I wasn’t surprised. You’re dating someone. I never heard from you because you’re dating someone. We talked for a couple of hours. I had so many emotions during that call. I got angry and told you that I thought you were just testing me all these months, waiting for me to fuck up so you had an out from us, but I didn’t. You agreed/admitted. You were waiting for a way out again. That’s all I needed to hear to know. I was not telling you. (I have a list of logical reasons why, that I won’t be putting on the internet, because I’m sure despite my warning above, I would be ripped to shreds for them.) No. This was the end of everything. No one knows. Not a single soul despite those that work at planned parenthood. I will go to my grave with this. But god, do I hate myself every single day because of it. I regret it every day. I’ve been living in hell every day. Because god, would that have been the most beautiful baby.
submitted by YouDontKnow818 to offmychest [link] [comments]